I have a lot of work to do. I’ve been consciously working on myself for the last few months. I started over again, two years after my last re-start, with a new job, a new home, and a new city. I started over alone this time. I’ve had my own head to deal with and I lost the ability to fight it, so I dove in.
There are some things I need to change. I’m terrible with dishes. Seriously, the sick is so full right now I can’t believe there are still plates in the cabinet. It helps that I have four sets though. I’m not entirely sure where the pile came from either. I don’t cook. I only check my mail once a month. The postman hates me. I get angry notes that the box is full; to which I say, stop with the junk! and it won’t fill up so fast. I should also reevaluate my use of semicolons.
There are some important things I need to change. I’ve been mulling over this for a bit. I try and I fail. I work to be calm and rational, and then get irate and irrational. I attempt non-confrontational dialogue, and then get confrontational. Six Flags hasn’t a roller-coaster with as many ups and downs as my head and heart.
I read a post yesterday that helped put some clarity into an area I haven’t realized I needed to look into: my ego. I keep asking, why did he do that to me and why is he doing this to me? I’m stuck in victim-mode even though I claim to be a survivor. Yes, I’m a survivor. I survived Donkey throwing me through a door. I survived Donkey coming after me with a knife. I survived a night in psychiatric incarceration. I survived turning over custody to my abuser even though I wanted and prayed for death. But I’m still in the mindset of victim.
Why did he treat me that way? I can’t answer that and I need to stop trying. Nothing about his behavior was really about me. It was about him. He wanted to feel superior. He wanted to be worshiped. He wanted to look good. He wanted to be smarter, better looking, and stronger. He wanted to have the nice truck. He wanted to have the fancy phone. He wanted the zip code. He wanted the clothes. He wanted the recognition. He wanted the power. He still does.
I was, and am, simply his means to his end. Even asking for and taking custody was a means to an end. He gets to look like the hero father, he gets out of four credit card lawsuits, and has a better chance of being awarded bankruptcy as the primary provider for minor children so those credit card lawsuits don’t resurface.
I know no matter how much work I do on my communications with Donkey, it will be a one-way effort. But that doesn’t mean I can’t work to improve my actions and reactions. I’ve deleted most of my cursing since Fuck You flew to Florida. I’m careful now to say I am an angry at the behavior and working towards leaving the anger at the person to myself. It’s a bit of a given, really, and goes without saying. I’m angry. I’m angry at Donkey. I’m angry at Judge Dennis Craig. I don’t think I hate them. I feel sorry for them.
There’s a pattern. He has one and I have one. I want to break mine.
C says he doesn’t know how I don’t hate anyone. I say it’s giving them far too much credit for me to think and feel enough about them to hate them.
Nail meet head. The wrongers have had their fill of our emotions. No sense in wasting any more of them.
Oh Melanie….Sometimes I feel like we’re the same person!
Nothing like this is easy. Its requires you to change an entire lifetime of logic and reasoning. I still find myself trying to apply logic to his madness. My husband will remind me “You can’t make sense of it, so stop trying.” UGH! I KNOW! But, its so frustrating!
This has been the hardest part for me with my stupid, asshole ex husband. I am right. He is wrong. I AM RIGHT! HE IS WRONG! DON’T YOU SEE HOW WRONG YOU ARE?! Why are you talking to me like this!? Why are you treating the kids like this?! Just listen to me! Then, when he doesn’t listen I get mad. WHY ARE YOU SUCH AN ASSHOLE?! I might as well just go find your nearest brick wall and start banging my head off of it.
And he has your kids. This is something I can’t even imagine. The fear and hate and nausea that wells up inside of me every time either of the kids has any contact with him…I can only imagine what its like for you.
You’re making big changes. You’re doing a good job. Its hard. It sucks. But you’re aware and you’re the better person.
They do a good job at keeping us in their cycle of abuse. The circles he talks, the blame he lays, the responsibility he refuses, they are all infuriating. I need to stop being shocked that he’s still an asshole. He’s a big anus with legs. Yesterday I wanted to call the kids and he said they didn’t want to talk to me, so I called anyway. And, guess what? We talked for 20 minutes. Had I believed him and let him hurt me, I would have lost out on a great conversation and that would have been my fault, not his. Criminy, this sucks. I wish this wasn’t so hard, but if wishes were horses…
I’m glad you called anyway. Being a good mom to those kids is much more important than whatever bullshit he wants to spew at you to make you feel like crap. Your kids are verbal, you can call and they can tell you themselves that they don’t want to talk. Sounds to me like he just says shit because he can. No basis in reality. Its a common theme.
He just doesn’t want me wasting his precious minutes, but he refuses to give me the home phone number. He needs a new hobby.
I don’t think you should expect yourself to just “get over it” already. I know people say that gives the other person all the power, but I think it’s giving away power to act like you’re alright when you’re not. I do that a lot. You’re giving up the power of someone being able to help when you pretend to be superwoman. (I’m not saying you are, just that this happens a lot with many people.) You’ve been through a hell of a lot. I have never been abused, but just having friendships break up hurts a lot. I’m still reeling over the last one, and wondering, why me? Why is this person still friends with so many others I hang out with? Why do so many still think this person is so great? And this is just an online former “friend”. So yeah, I get you. Stay strong, but also give yourself a break. Donkeys suck.
I’m not alright. I’m no where near alright. I’m worried that I am giving Donkey the power because he knows I’m not alright and he wants to exploit that and I keep letting him and I keep falling for it. I want to stop feeding the donkey with my emotions. There is no getting over losing my kids to my abuser, but I think I can eventually get beyond the overly emotional reactions to him rubbing it in.
True. You don’t want to show him the weakness, but it’s okay to show others. So sorry you’re going through this – sadly there are jerks like this everywhere. And that’s one reason I recap the 50 Shades books. No woman should be looking to that guy for romance inspiration.
this is what makes you not him! good for you! xo
Let’s hope I can put it into practice.
Dearest Melanie. Use paper plates. That is all.
I need my magic fairy to do it for me…
To do what? Use paper plates? I’m confused.
My dishes, to do my dishes…or to serve me dinner on paper plates, either way.
Oh…well see…if you use paper plates from now on dirty dishes won’t pile up, garbage will. Then you can just sack it and toss it out. See?
Yes. Much easier. All I have to do is put my trash and recycling outside of my front door and it disappears overnight.
See? I’m full of all kinds of helpful advice.
“the sick is so full of dishes”
Love twindaddy’s comment!
I totally love your last line. I moved from one side of Australia to the other (4,000 kilometres) for change and to break patterns. You are gutsy. And, as a guy said to me before I left, “He who dares, wins”.
It sounds like you are gutsy too. That’s a big move. I admit I had to goggle the conversion to miles even though I know Australia is huge.
Twindaddy has a way of saying just the right thing. And since paper plates are recyclable, it can be a guilt free way to improve my laziness.
Please write back to me…I need to ask you a few questions! Please
Ok. I’m here. What questions do you have?