I guess he figured if he could break me, I would stop being so defiant. Defiant. That’s what he called me when we first started dating. I didn’t notice, really, because “defiant” was just me. I made my own decisions. I did things I wanted to do. I took classes I wanted to take. But I was defiant if I didn’t listen to his wisdom, and select my choice according to him. I didn’t understand what he was saying. I didn’t get that that was the beginning of breaking me down into his house, field, and body slave.

But it wasn’t just that. It was hanging out at the coffee shop I worked at, all shift. It was staying in my home past the invitation, because I might need him. It was picking out my clothes. Choosing my meal at restaurants. Getting me a dog because I shouldn’t be home alone.


Isolated me from friends and family, reminding me he was more devoted than them. Called me names, like defiant. Blamed me for his problems. Drank excessive alcohol and smoked excessive pot. He instilled fear: I couldn’t mess up, make the wrong dinner, pay more for something than he expected. Punished me for spending time away, even when I spent exactly the time he gave me. Expected me to wait on him like a servant, including making him lunch when I was in labor. Controlled me through his emotions, using silence as effectively as shouting. Got physical, annually in the Spring.



  1. If this is true, then he sounds like an ass.

  2. […] Post #4, Smash the Mental Glass […]

  3. I agree with James.

    1. I did too, but this was the only one. He left several comments and they were pretty aggravating. Thankfully he’s left well enough alone.

  4. While my father wasn’t physically abuse to my mother (something he saved for me), he was emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling. The traits of a very insecure man in need of a power source. Reading the progression through your list I was silently nodding my head in understanding… then shaking my head in disgust. I’m so glad you’re still out there, grilling in your boots 😉

    1. It is good to still be out here. And today is the perfect Spring day for grilling.

      1. Yes it is — on both counts, Melanie 😉

  5. Oh man this brings back memories, it describes my father…*shudder*

    1. Once you know one, it seems you know them all. Sigh.

      1. That’s for sure they’re all alike. If only we could gather them all and put them on a deserted island!

  6. My ex, in a nutshell. sigh.

    1. I’ll sigh with you. They’re terrible men.

  7. One of my exes was psychologically abusive.. and controlling. I cringe whenever I read anything to do with abuse, but it’s always a little worse when you can relate. My heart goes out to you. Keep on grilling. 🙂

    1. I’m so sorry you can relate. Having them in “ex” status is good-because they’re gone, not for meeting them in the first place.
      Thank you Dani.

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