I happened upon blue milk (what took me so long?) and The Internet’s Favourite blue milk Rants, namely Don’t get raped and her response post But why shouldn’t she take some responsibility too for the rape? This was posted 2 years ago, so clearly I’m ahead of the curve.
Blue Milk responded to a comment by a reader known as Darsh, a self-proclaimed “heterosexual, white, tall, blue-eyed, well-educated and…never excluded from any popular clique in school”, in which he argued victims bear some share of the responsibility for the crime committed, specifically, “When it comes to any kind of crime, I think it is important to make a distinction between blame and responsibility. In all cases all of the blame belongs to the perpetrators. However, in some cases, some of the responsibility can also be put on the victim.”
Darsh continues with examples and justifications. A glutton for punishment, he ignites a community discussion, stating again in reference to the hypothetical assault perpetrated on him, “In such a situation my attackers would have 100% of the blame and a majority of the responsibility, but it was irresponsible of me to…”. Does it matter to what?
What sets him firmly in the category of rapist, however, is his belief, “that guys regularly need to press on through token resistance by girls, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t stop if the girl really doesn’t want to.”
Resistance is resistance is resistance, and resistance is always, “the girl really doesn’t want to”, whether she says it once, twice, or at the top of her lungs (notice I’m elegantly moving right past his demoting women to girls). Be it said once or one hundred times, once someone resists, stop.When a woman, any potential sexual partner, resists, it means she really doesn’t want to, period, end of discussion.
Continuing to “press on through” resistance of any kind is to devalue the person into a victim. Press on, press on, and press on, and we stop resisting. Not because we change our minds, “oh, I’m so lucky he kept pressing on and convinced me that I really did want something I knew I didn’t, but then had no warm-up because I wasted so much time resisting and now you’re satisfied, and I have to pee to avoid a UTI.”
I have succumbed to a man pressing on. I did stop resisting, but not because I suddenly had an epiphany, but because it didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. My words and my actions matched, but it didn’t matter. Wait. (pulls shirt down) Don’t. (holds shirt in place) Please, No. (stops hand on thigh) He holds back. I relax. He presses on. I resist. He resists the resistance. I resist resisting any more.