A crisis of faith

Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God. We (I) haven’t been on speaking terms since April (accepting prayers on my behalf, but not acknowledging when I do my own), and on more than one occasion I have sent a middle finger His way. But I find it much too difficult to believe there isn’t a Higher Power, and I believe that science started somewhere.

Here is where I am struggling, now, in this moment, at this time, during these horrifying moments of continuous abuse:

Isn’t God the biggest Abuser of them all?

Point blank: we are to worship Him, obey Him and follow every rule at every moment, and ask His forgiveness for failure to follow those rules. He is all-knowing and all-powerful, and we are  to accept that without Him we are nothing. Failure in His ways is to be doomed to eternal torture.

We are promised all kinds of rewards if we do as He says, with everything He says, without fail. And, when we do fail we are to beg Him for mercy so we can be in His good graces again (and even that may not be enough). We are to praise Him in everything we do, credit Him for everything we have and don’t have, and trust that He will provide, but He will provide only according to what He thinks He should provide. We are to believe He knows what is good for us and not try to change that.

How is that different from the abusers we rant against every day? Abusers we are told to run from, to run far and fast, to run and never look back.

Considering my life and my attitude (especially at current), I will be going to Hell.

  1. You shall have no other gods before me. Check.
  2. You shall not make for yourself an idol. I have a whole collection of international tribal frogs each with a meaning and purpose according to the tribe, and I point the one from China towards the door for luck with money.
  3. You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. good lord, I’m in trouble.
  4. Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Is that Saturday during college football or Sunday during pro football?
  5. Honor your father and your mother. Check; except when I was a teenager.
  6. You shall not murder. As long as bugs don’t count I’m good. Check.
  7. You shall not commit adultery. Check.
  8. You shall not steal. Check.
  9. You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Check.
  10. You shall not covet. Oh I covet. I covet bad. Your fancy professional wardrobe, coveted. The newest in technology, coveted. Your beautiful home, coveted. Your peace of mind, your love, your happiness, your easy life…coveted, coveted, coveted, and coveted.

Cross my heart and hope to die that this is a temporary crisis. Really. I don’t exactly want to burn in Hell. Burning is something I fear, along with drowning and being raped while wearing a tampon. Oh, and snakes.

I know there is more to living and walking in faith than the ten commandments, it’s just the most recognizable gauge to my inabilities.

I’m finding it difficult to see God as a partner in my life, rather than a dominator. I’m finding it difficult to believe it is in my and my kids’ best interest that they live with an abuser, a socially, financially, and morally corrupt person who believes that believing is a sign of weakness.

I thank God that the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror weren’t for me, and curse Him for waking me up to a new day of abuse. I don’t care right now that the grass is green, the sun is yellow, and the sky is blue; and I don’t care the He is the one who made them that way.

I don’t like that He made Adam first, and then made Eve from Adam. He should have made them both at the same time, instead of giving the woman to the man as a means to end boredom.

I don’t like that God toyed with Abraham and made him get within an inch of murdering his own son just to prove his faith and devotion. How sick is that?

I don’t like that Constantine got to pick what we read to guide our faith, or that he gets a statue at the York Minster Cathedral for doing so.

I am angry, and I hear loud and clear that I should take this anger to God. To that I say, someday, but for now (insert middle finger).


  1. Before my experience, I would say I swung to the atheist side of things. Now, I am definitely a believer in a higher power, something greater than ourselves. I wouldn’t say I believe in a Christian God or any other God that has been thoughtfully defined. I just know that something much more powerful than myself has guided me and helped me when I have made mistakes and encouraged me when I felt like giving up. I think questioning God is good, because it means you’re alive. Having faith is the opposite of being weak. Thinking others are weak for having faith is weak. 🙂

    1. There has to be something greater than ourselves; otherwise how could we have the strength we have? I am me, and only me, but something has to be guiding that.

      1. Absolutely. I believe. Believing is what has gotten us this far. 🙂

        1. Without something greater to believe in, without believing in something greater, I couldn’t have tried to escape to something better.

  2. i’m struggling with him a lot too…it’s really hard most of the time to see him differently than the earthly father…
    the i do believe though. fighting with him is good. xo

    1. I know He understands, whoever He is. It’s just so hard to give into the absolute when the absolute is unknown.

      1. yes it is, i think i’m actually in a good place wrestling with him 🙂

  3. I never believed as a kid. Just didn’t understand it. Now I still don’t believe but I desperately want to believe there is something as an afterlife/heaven. The world seems so unfair and does not make any sense.. Why do people have to go through so much suffering. and for what? There has to be some justice. I don’t believe in God but I do hope there is one..

    1. I overheard a conversation about a year ago. The woman speaking said she would rather believe than not believe because the unknown was too overwhelming. She continued with something along the lines of, once I’m dead I will either be dead or know the afterlife and if I believe now I will have the option of knowing. I’ve been pondering that ever since.

  4. I’m a big fan of crises of faith because they mean you’re thinking about it and not blindly swallowing whatever has been put there. I don’t feel qualified to tackle your questions (I am an atheist–always have been). I have no answers for you, but no one does. Whatever conclusions you come to, I hope you find something that makes sense to you and never stop asking questions.

    1. I can’t blindly follow. I have to question; I’ve been taught to question. I live by questions and finding the answer. This is just something I can’t answer right now.

  5. If you have time you can check out my story in a set of posts on my blog entitled “Jesus Christ: My Primary Partner”. I don’t think you’ll find any answers. But I Do love Jesus a lot.

    Secondly, I love your honesty. I love your questioning. I believe God does love you. I believe that life sucks… mainly because it is full of people. We are selfish haters most of the time but sometimes a few humans out of the bunch surprise us all with there love.

    You love your kids very well. You deserve to be treated a lot better than you are. I am deeply sorry that our world blames and punishes victims. Please forgive us.

    Finally, you won’t go to hell for being honest. You won’t go to hell for having stone frogs and you won’t go to hell for wanting a better life. Keep loving. Keep being honest, keep searching.

    With much love and prayers

    1. I know your love. I’ve read your faith. I envy (there goes the coveting again) your devotion. You are one who has surprised me with your love. Searching is what I am doing right now. I’m searching for answers. I know there is something greater than me, I’m just struggling with reconciling that with what life I have made for myself, and I’m very afraid that I have no love left.

  6. God loves you. I love you. We all love you.

    Audio Adrenaline “Let my love open the door” from the underdog album.

  7. Anonymous · · Reply

    I know many will question, even disagree with your stances here, but it’s where you’re at right now. I have been thinking about this post since I read it. It’s honest, unlike many of the ‘sunshine and rainbows’ FB posts I see from people who are in similar situations and seemed to determined not to acknowledge the undertow of black emotions dragging them under. I don’t have any answers for you, but I wish you peace, whatever that might look like for you. It might be a while off, but I hope you find it.

    1. I too hope I find it. I believe I will. I needed to acknowledge that I feel this way. Thank you for your kind words. These terrible emotions are like a rip-current and I’m trying to get back to shore.

  8. Actually there are 10 of the commandments thought by God himself to Moses, but the the two most important commands were, love God above all and love your neighbor as yourself. Somehow the the second great command has negative style counter part from Buddha that was “Do not do on to others what you do not want others do on you”. When God comes for the second time our Muslim brothers will come to make peace with the us Christians.

    1. We are told to love, yet that is the hardest of all, which is why peace is so elusive.

  9. I grew up in a Christian home and loved God and my church. I have become very disillusioned with the lovelessness of so-called Christians. In my personal life I have not experienced the love of God. I battle with what represents love in the Bible. Passion of the Christ was a barbaric movie and I cannot begin to comprehend that being love.
    My 38 year old daughter is terminally ill. Her suffering is incomprehensible. There can be absolutely no purpose in her suffering. Maybe her demise but suffering? No!!
    I do believe in God. Just not a God of Mercy. I am not a Job. I cannot see God’s love for me in my life and my child’s suffering. The effect it has had on her young sons…
    This post truly echos my feelings!

    1. I have read some of your story of Vic & how much she suffers, & that her suffering wasn’t supposed to last for decades. It breaks my heart to read how many of you are in pain with her. It’s not fair that so many good people hurt so much.

  10. My dad died a few years back, and I was furious at God. It was the circumstances that pushed me over the edge – that it was such a cruel and brutal way to go for someone who’d always been active, that he was dying as my sister was preparing to get married, that everyone and their dog in our church community prayed for him and still he died. And so I raged and got bitter. There didn’t seem to be many other responses available.

    The years passed and I… I guess I forgave God, which is an odd thing to say because he didn’t actually do anything that needed forgiving. Whatever, it was an epiphany that helped me to swim against the current, to realise that God is bigger than the questions and the answers, bigger than the agonies. And with my fingernails I cling on to something else; that grace is also bigger than these things, and that I’m therefore not going to hell because I questioned God, and you’re not going to hell because of frogs. Because grace is bigger than all that.

    1. Your words have touched my heart. Thank you for telling me your story.

  11. […] Thinking that Donkey had an iPhone, I thought, hey I’m less than thirty days since I got this one so maybe I can go back and get the iPhone instead and the kids and I can talk on their drive home from school and when they say see the big truck I will actually be able to see the big truck. Que covet. […]

  12. […] in here can cut deep. I’ve stood wounded before God and […]

  13. […] or auditory stimuli inspiring that murder. (I’ve talked about my own feelings about God here and here, in case you’re […]

  14. I struggle daily with many of these ideas/thoughts. I struggle with God being a man. The whole concept is difficult to grasp.. I hate, hate, hate yes HATE when I constantly hear God only gives you what you can handle. Well I would sure HATE to think of what “he” could possibly give me then that I would not be able to handle.

    1. Some of the comforts people attempt in the name of God are some of the most infuriating. He doesn’t give you more and you can handle or it’s all in His plan really anger me.

      1. I agree. When I read your post the first thing that came to my mind is the dinner prayer , God is good, God is great let us thank HIM for our food amen… I call bullshit on great today 🙂

        1. Yup. I think you’ve earned it.

  15. […] terms with the abuse I endured and turned that into advocacy. I allowed myself to wallow in deep, dark sadness and crawled back into the light. In my time alone I have mourned what I am not doing and discovered […]

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: