Don’t get me wrong, I still believe in God. We (I) haven’t been on speaking terms since April (accepting prayers on my behalf, but not acknowledging when I do my own), and on more than one occasion I have sent a middle finger His way. But I find it much too difficult to believe there isn’t a Higher Power, and I believe that science started somewhere.
Here is where I am struggling, now, in this moment, at this time, during these horrifying moments of continuous abuse:
Isn’t God the biggest Abuser of them all?
Point blank: we are to worship Him, obey Him and follow every rule at every moment, and ask His forgiveness for failure to follow those rules. He is all-knowing and all-powerful, and we are to accept that without Him we are nothing. Failure in His ways is to be doomed to eternal torture.
We are promised all kinds of rewards if we do as He says, with everything He says, without fail. And, when we do fail we are to beg Him for mercy so we can be in His good graces again (and even that may not be enough). We are to praise Him in everything we do, credit Him for everything we have and don’t have, and trust that He will provide, but He will provide only according to what He thinks He should provide. We are to believe He knows what is good for us and not try to change that.
How is that different from the abusers we rant against every day? Abusers we are told to run from, to run far and fast, to run and never look back.
- You shall have no other gods before me. Check.
- You shall not make for yourself an idol. I have a whole collection of international tribal frogs each with a meaning and purpose according to the tribe, and I point the one from China towards the door for luck with money.
- You shall not misuse the name of the Lord your God. good lord, I’m in trouble.
- Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. Is that Saturday during college football or Sunday during pro football?
- Honor your father and your mother. Check; except when I was a teenager.
- You shall not murder. As long as bugs don’t count I’m good. Check.
- You shall not commit adultery. Check.
- You shall not steal. Check.
- You shall not give false testimony against your neighbor. Check.
- You shall not covet. Oh I covet. I covet bad. Your fancy professional wardrobe, coveted. The newest in technology, coveted. Your beautiful home, coveted. Your peace of mind, your love, your happiness, your easy life…coveted, coveted, coveted, and coveted.
Cross my heart and hope to die that this is a temporary crisis. Really. I don’t exactly want to burn in Hell. Burning is something I fear, along with drowning and being raped while wearing a tampon. Oh, and snakes.
I know there is more to living and walking in faith than the ten commandments, it’s just the most recognizable gauge to my inabilities.
I’m finding it difficult to see God as a partner in my life, rather than a dominator. I’m finding it difficult to believe it is in my and my kids’ best interest that they live with an abuser, a socially, financially, and morally corrupt person who believes that believing is a sign of weakness.
I thank God that the flashing lights in my rear-view mirror weren’t for me, and curse Him for waking me up to a new day of abuse. I don’t care right now that the grass is green, the sun is yellow, and the sky is blue; and I don’t care the He is the one who made them that way.
I don’t like that He made Adam first, and then made Eve from Adam. He should have made them both at the same time, instead of giving the woman to the man as a means to end boredom.
I don’t like that God toyed with Abraham and made him get within an inch of murdering his own son just to prove his faith and devotion. How sick is that?
I don’t like that Constantine got to pick what we read to guide our faith, or that he gets a statue at the York Minster Cathedral for doing so.
I am angry, and I hear loud and clear that I should take this anger to God. To that I say, someday, but for now (insert middle finger).