In an Instant

Each week the folks behind the launch button offer a writing challenge to rouse our writing. This week it is “a moment when your life was changed in a split second.” I instantly knew my instant.

In one second I was standing at the kitchen counter grinding coffee and before that second was over I was on my back on the laundry room floor. That instant is the most vivid of all my memories, and it’s the one I most wish I could erase. That instant is the most defining moment of my current life, and it’s the one I most wish I could erase.

23 February 2010 [He] threw me through the laundry room door. He grabbed me with two hands around my arms just above my elbows and pushed me backwards about ten feet with his full force and strength and slammed me into the laundry room door. The door gave and I landed with my upper back, neck, and head slammed into the drier. [Our daughter] cried with a fear I have never heard before…tonight she was scared. It took me several minutes to get up. My back hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t get up off my hands and knees from the pain. I was short of breath for several hours. I threw up. Picking up and feeding [our son] made me wince. I couldn’t turn my head to look at [our daughter], sitting next to me, without pain. [He] hurts me emotionally very regularly, but tonight was the first night he ever hurt me like this. He’s grabbed me before, out of anger, but he has never been like this. I told him to leave but he didn’t  It’s sure to happen again. 

24 Feb My list of injuries— left hand bruised and tender to move/touch; left wrist scraped and tender to touch; left elbow scraped, bruised, swollen, and tender; right leg, inside just above the knee, hurts to touch or move which makes walking painful; right hip sore to use, feels “out”; sternum sore to touch and slightly bruised; right collarbone at shoulder sore/tender to touch; back of head has huge knot, probably bruised, tender, hurts to lay down or back; upper back, sore muscles, knots, swollen, bruised and makes everything hard to do because it hurts so bad and I’m scared to move and cause permanent damage; tongue swollen from biting down on both sides.

25 Feb – No change, well more sore, more swollen, more tender, more bruises. 

26 Feb I wish I could go to the doctor, or tell someone, and get this off my chest.

A few months later he did verbally admit to this abusive act. He even talked about it in an email. But it means nothing. I didn’t call the police, so according to the courts it never happened. Now he is raising our children.

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22 comments

  1. I can’t like this. And I can’t comprehend why what he did to you doesn’t matter to the courts and those responsible for making decisions that are in the best interest of the children. They’ll easily grant custody to a physically and emotionally abusive man but not to the mother who demonstrates her anger at his monstrous acts. I hate them.

    1. The judge only wanted police reports. I don’t blame you for not hitting the Like button. It isn’t likable; it horrible. I will live with the physical pain of this act for the rest of my life. I’m hoping to write out the emotional pain. You read, and that I appreciate, very very much.

      1. And if by writing and advocating can give at least one woman the courage to call the police, so there is a report or tell her doctor, so there is a report, sharing or pain is worth it in the end. At least for someone.

        1. Yes. Call the police…and if you can’t call the police yourself, have a friend and a secret code so the friend can call the police. Even if the police don’t care (which many don’t and feel DV calls are a bother) there will still be a record. That record is mega important.

  2. I can’t “like” either. He is an evil man and the courts who now allow him to hold your children hostage are equally evil. When will the victims be able to stand up and get some justice. I am so glad that you’re out and so very sorry that your children are with that monster.

    1. Justice is elusive, illusive, and allusive. I’ve written this in several places because I believe it: the more we tell stories of abuse, the less uncomfortable they will become. The less uncomfortable they become, the more people will listen. The more people talk and listen, the more we can do to end the silence. I get it, the Like button is pretty tough on this one.

  3. I think that hearing about abuse has to be uncomfortable – painful enough for people to stand up and demand change. Every upstanding citizen should be outraged at the DV that occurs in every neighborhood across this country and be willing to do something about it. When we have no fear of speaking up, when we know that justice will be meted out, then we will be free. When our children can be brought up with no violence in their lives, the next generation will be free.

  4. Another reader who can’t bring herself to “like” this … but I read it, and I believe it.

    1. Those last three words mean so much.

  5. I too am an abuse survivor. My ex-husband beat me for 10 years, then when I finally left with the children, he seemed not to care. 5 years into divorce he fought me for custody … 5 years after the last physical act against me … the courts listened to the abuse stories, that he did not deny ,.. but didn’t really think it was relevant. Finally, he won co-parenting and though I have the teenagers most of the time, he gets to “co-parent” with me on every decision .. now he has weekly opportunities to try to control me and our children. The legal system made my children’s lives worse. However, I am grateful for good therapy, paid free by our local domestic abuse center and the strength of my children and God. Hang in there and don’t give up.

    1. I have met too many people who have to co-parent after the courts have condoned domestic violence. I wish judges had to go thru training before taking the bench. Mine was a criminal prosecutor before becoming a judge; you’d think he’d have known better, but he had little experience in the family court system he now rules. That’s a big disadvantage to the families he judges.

  6. Like you, I had many instances where I was frightened. He pinned me to a wall, made me feel like a caged rat. Towered over me. Let his presence be known. Blocked my path. But the night in 2005 when before I knew it, he was on top of me and I was pinned and my arms were hurting from being squeezed and he was centimeters from my face…I’ve never been so confused and so scared and so panicked. I reacted and bit his nose. It was fight or flight, and I had to fight to get to the flight part. I’ve never been hit before and when the blow came after that, I was stunned. He hit me, then jumped up, running to the bathroom, screaming obscenities about his nose. My head was spinning. I couldn’t breath. I was dazed. When he came out of the bathroom and came at me again, I was able to gather my wits and move away, only to be chased into the bathroom. Once again, I was trapped. He slept outside the door so that I wouldn’t go for help. I don’t know if I could have left the children behind any way.
    For so long, I thought “if he ever hits me, that’s it.” It seemed so logical. Yet when it happened, I was immobile. I was so confused. He was SO CONVINCED that he had done nothing wrong. Who would believe me? Had I, in fact, asked for it? Sure, everyone said that once it happens, it will happen again, but THIS has never really happened, so maybe it didn’t happen for real?
    I know that it all sounds like such crazy talk now. My whole life was crazy then.

    1. I got trapped in a bathroom, with my daughter in there with me, on election day 08 while my ex tried to break down the door to get back at me. He had choked me and pinned me against the wall because I was going to go vote. He hadn’t changed his registration or done anything to make sure he could vote, so, what?, I don’t know, apparently that meant I wasn’t supposed to vote either. I didn’t. It was the first election I had missed since becoming eligible to vote. He was convinced I was going against him by exercising my right to vote, so he took that right away.
      It’s easy to be logical when the fists aren’t flying, but once they turn on, logic turns off. I can’t tell you how many times I excused chairs, drawers of silverware, plates of food, and other objects flying at me from him because I believed he was right that I had caused it. Crazy. The worst part for me isn’t that I fell victim to his crazy talk that I deserved it, but that the judge in our case did too. Now my ex likes to tell me we have different interpretations of the events. That’s probably the most honest thing he’s ever said.

  7. […] Weekly Writing Challenge: In an Instagram « Deliberate Donkey […]

  8. I only liked it to encourage you on your road to recovery… You are so brave to share your pain and I applaud you. My heart goes out to you. What a monster to hurt you so and then take the kids… My God!!!! Sending you healing light and love…. {{{HUGS}}}

    1. I don’t take offense to the Like of such terrible things. I get that sometimes it’s a show of support. I don’t take offense to not hitting Like. Thank you for your support, and for reading.
      Thank you also for considering this as brave. I don’t know what makes me able to talk about it, but I’m glad I can so the cycle of silence can be broken.

  9. […] Alisons Ideas, 4ftPhotoz, Le Talib, Melanie, KazmiSahib, Argylesock, Andaluza and Richert […]

  10. Great job you done Melanie,
    Brave and Bravo. It is necessary to do, to say whatever you feel. nothing is harsh in it but truth.

    I am looking forward to see more of the great work of you.

    best regard

    Kazmi

    1. Thank you for the kind words, and for following me.

      1. Please dont mention:) it is my pleasure,
        May God Bless you always,

        regards

        Kazmi

  11. […] journey began when I escaped Donkey. The catalyst across the threshold was a threshold. (1) I was in my ordinary world of abuse. It escalated and he said, I never wanted to do that […]

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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