Shift Your Perspective

“It’s ok if you turn in your résumé.” She said it so softly she wasn’t sure she said it out loud. She sat back in her car aware suddenly of the sheer number of vehicles exiting the interstate.

He had asked if he could speak to her. Her heart retreated. He had asked if he could speak away from the kids. Her knees locked. All she could do was about-face. That’s all the privacy she could muster. They turned to each other from opposite sides of the parking space. Then she raised her head and looked at him. For the first time in years, she faced him and she looked at him.

Words started coming out of his mouth. Then she heard him say he’s thinking about moving. Her mind muttered Miami. She readied for a fight. He said Atlanta. She passed out. She was still standing and conscious, but inside, inside she passed out. Résumé. Atlanta. Senior level. 3 miles from your house. End of the school year.

He said other things; other sentences made it through the thick fog engulfing everything. Rolling in thicker with each phrase. Each statement. I wanted us to talk about it, but I guess I’ve done most of the talking. … My dad dying, that changed things, my perspective. … The kids need to spend more time with you. … We have to stop fighting, both of us. … The divorce, things went bad with the lawyers involved, things happened that shouldn’t have. …

Think about it, he said, and let me know if you would be able to be comfortable with it if I moved to Atlanta.

Think about it I did not. I stopped at the first exit and bought a pack of smokes. I drove 3 hours and refused to think about it. I listened to disk 11 and most of 12 of J.K. Rowling’s The Casual Vacancy. I made it home, walked inside, and looked at my computer. I thought about it. I didn’t open my computer.

Sleep, I thought, sleep it clear. I changed out of my jeans and t-shirt, brushed my teeth, and fell into bed. I escaped into a happy fantasy.

Someone has recently expressed an interest in spending time with me. I told him he probably just had a stroke and might have better luck seeing a doctor, but in the quiet of my calming thoughts I’ve imagine 1000 ways he might kiss me. Smiling, verging on sleep, my phone suddenly celebrated from the living room: woo haha, text message! At 10pm. Then it went off again, woo haha. And again, woo haha. And again, woo haha. And again, woo haha, text message! I was no longer smiling, verging on a kiss. 5 text messages at 10 at night. My phone was mocking me. No one texts me at 10 at night. Well, one person does, but not with a message so long it spills over like ignored milk coming to a boil.

It was Donkey.

We are home and Kidz are in bed sleeping. I was wondering how you felt about what we discussed. I saw, what looked to me to be, a range of emotions and wanted to know if you still felt comfortable. I know it is last minute but this developed midweek and I wanted to have things straight in my head. If you would like to sleep on it I understand. If it is just too soon or too close for you I can understand that as well. It will mean us interacting more frequently which could be bad thing. I’m not expecting it will be easy for either of us because there are still a lot of emotions and wounds that probably haven’t healed.

Words retreated. I could formulate nothing. This morning I could formulate asshole. This morning I could formulate fuck you. Last night I formulated I would enjoy having more time with the kids & it would make visits easier. Time will take care of the rest. I went back to bed.

And because one bomb isn’t enough: woo haha, woo haha, text message!

There are also some legal things that were executed on that I can’t stop at this point e.g. back child support / tax stuff. The reason I bring this up is because it is going to come up sooner or later. And I don’t want you think it was something done after we discussed this.

I answered only ok. I plopped back into bed and returned to my imaginary kiss.

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27 comments

  1. Oh man i can’t imagine how you must be feeling. Pure shock comes to mind. My heart goes out to you. ((hugs)) xo

    1. It must be shock. I haven’t felt anything, but right now it’s just words. He has a habit of saying things he thinks I want to hear – the kids being closer – in order to get me to give him what he wants – back child support and tax money – with no intention of action.

      1. i half wondered if he wanted something or was up to something. they know how to charm. it would definitely be hard to trust. if he is messing with you, that is such cruelty.
        just weird that he suddenly got all “nice”
        sending big ((hugs)) youre way.

        1. He’s up to something, no doubt about that, but he’s got a tough road to new employment. Jobs are fought over like Black Friday specials, he’s an out-of-town candidate, and he’s filed for bankruptcy. There’s no reason to fret yet. I’m just going to watch and wait for now.

          1. i’m sorry he’s using your kids to get to you though. xo

  2. I read this post this morning when I woke up. My first feeling was “this is a trick.” But then the next thing I thought was, “so what if it is?” It makes me wonder why he gives a rats ass about your comfort level? And perhaps he’s realized caring for two small children on his own is just too much damn work?
    I’ll be thinking of you.

    1. He is so full of words. Throughout our relationship is was talk talk talk, but a lot of what he said never happened.

  3. Also, the barrage of text messages following the conversation tells me its not about your comfort at all, he wants something, this is a means for him to get what he wants. It would be awesome if you could find a way to capitalize on it in a way that benefits you. I know my ex would rather give up his kids instead of paying support….You never know what you can get from someone who is desperate and crazy. 🙂

    1. He does want something. It will be interesting to see what comes up, and if I even connect it.

  4. I nominated you for the Very inspiring Blog award. Keep on going.

    1. Thank you. 🙂

  5. You know what really bothers me? How Donkey always refers to his children as “kidz.” I’m not quite sure why. I think at this point, everything he does bothers me. Good luck, dear.

    1. I hate it too. It’s shit and stupid. I’d tell him to “spell it right you moron” but that would be ignoring that I spell through as “thru” and though as “tho”.

  6. He is so full of words. It’s upsetting that he is masquerading around as someone who cares for others. It makes me sick.

    My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray that his mask will be revealed and that he will have to face the reality of who he is.

    1. That is hard, knowing he’s speaking but the words have no meaning because too many times his intentions and his words haven’t been the same.
      Thanks for the prayers. 🙂

  7. Harrowing. That’s the word. Somehow you have to believe you are the stronger, the purer, the better. Don’t give up…

    1. Ah, yes…harrowing. That’s a good word for it all. Thank you for your support.

  8. I hope this means something good for you and your kids 🙂

    1. The good is us being closer together, but Donkey has a lot of hurdles to jump to secure new employment with 2 DUIs and a bankruptcy tainting his background check. We’ll see what this is really about – he wants something, I just don’t know what yet.

      1. Let’s hope that what he wants is to set himself free from his responsibilities and give you your kids back 🙂

        1. That would be wonderful, but I somehow doubt it will be this easy. Plus, he also has to get the court’s permission to move, I think. It’s over 50 miles from his current address and I’m not sure he can just up and move.

  9. S Stitches · · Reply

    I’m pretty sure this means that he’s tired of being a parent. Or maybe that’s wishful thinking. If you’re closer, he’ll “offer” them up to you more often, and he thinks you will gobble up every moment. If you’re placated, you won’t want to take him back to court — you get to see the kids, he gets the money . . . everybody is happy? Not quite, Donkeybreath.

    1. Donkeybreath…I love it! He’s got something he wants. I’ll consider myself lucky if it’s just to have me do the work and pay him for me to do it.

  10. […] I felt like he should have asked before making plans that covered the two weekends I was likely to choose from for my January time, one of which is set in court-ordered stone and the other a probable alternative considering it is my birthday. This coming from the man who threw in they need more time with you as a reason for going for a job in Atlanta. […]

  11. […] reason. Telling it helps me practice writing, and keep my wits about me. I’ve tried some new approaches. I’ve found I enjoy trying to fit the prose along side the […]

  12. […] first priority changed since December. When he first approached me about relocating it was about some new perspective he […]

  13. […] first it was a request to relocate to Atlanta: the kids need to spend more time with you. That was December. I didn’t trust it then, and I was right not to. I was clear with him about the lack of trust […]

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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