Pills be gone

I filled my prescriptions before I moved. I had thirty days of medicine and ninety days without medical insurance. I drew out a plan. I didn’t consult a physician. Every time I tried to talk to my doctor, he prescribed new pills.

There was consideration and thought. I didn’t feel like I really felt good with the pills. I would be paying full price uninsured. I would be paying full price with the HSA, at first at least. HSA. New city. New insurance. New job. Resentment.

I hated those pills. The antidepressants started with a phone call between Donkey and my ObGyn shortly after my initial pre-natal appointment and the first time he threw things at me, his dinner plate and then his chair. The anti-anxiety started when the nurse practitioner couldn’t find the IUD and was sending me to ultrasound and x-ray to find it and Donkey told her to prescribe it. When Donkey took the kids to Miami, telling me he was taking them for a bike ride but leaving with his brother instead, he took the pills too. He threw away the depression medication and hid the Alprazolam in his toolbox.

I hated those pills. But I kept taking them. That’s what the doctors kept saying I needed. They were wrong. I wasn’t put on the medications for the right reasons. I didn’t need pills, I needed to not be in an abusive relationship. I wasn’t kept on the pills for the right reasons. I didn’t need pills, I needed to be out of an abusive relationship.

I quit the pills: the daily pills for depression, the occasional pills for anxiety, and the optional pills for sleep. They are all gone, and I am all better, say the leopard-print platform heels in my closet. And the lack of fuck you for two months.

I experienced the chemical withdrawal you would expect to experience coming off of medication meant to alter brain matter. I never want to feel that again. My brain was on a tilt-a-whirl for a solid week, and then I lost connection with my body. I couldn’t see straight or think straight. I was in misery for three weeks. Then it was gone. All at once. I felt the relief and knew the chemicals had left the building.

I stopped living until I could take another pill tomorrow and started living for myself. A few things have happened over the last five weeks that have solidified my confidence in my decision to quit the pills. I was rear-ended on the way to work. The asshat left me on the side of the road. I slid to the shoulder of the road and he took off. I freaked a bit, and got pretty damn pissed off at the jerkwad, but I handled it, I cooled off, and I worked well that day. Donkey pulled some shit, and I got through it. Other things happened, small things, annoyances. I was challenged at work. I accepted opportunity. I handled it with clear thought.

I feel like the pills were holding me back. I’m sure of it. I know like you know things about your own mind and body. My mind and body are better. I think clearly. I’m not sleeping nearly as often, early, or long. I feel much more like the woman I was before Donkey. Before my life got flipped turned upside down, and not in the Bel-Air kind of way.

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25 comments

  1. Leopard print platform heels: Adore!
    The pills: You go girl!You don’t need any of them. Brave enough all by yourself!
    The Fresh Prince reference: Evil Melanie.. evil.. it’s 2:06 in Holland and I am doing the Carlton. 😀

    1. Dance on! I’ll dance here and we’ll have an international blog-dance-a-thon.

      1. Hang on! Goosey is struggling into his tuxedo to join in the dancing …

        1. I love that everyone is dancing!

  2. Those pills are hell on the brain! I’m so glad you’re off them and feeling better for it! Glad you weren’t injured in the accident too! You have so taken your power back!!

    1. I do feel better for it. The accident was a red light bump. The guy was texting or something.
      I have taken a lot of my power back, but I still have miles to go before I’m complete, again. You will take some of yours back when you conquer the tooth hacker tomorrow. You’ve made it through so many trips to town with great success. You will tomorrow too.

      1. You’re such an inspiration! Thank you, I’ll blog about my experience tomorrow!

  3. Roberta Greenwood · · Reply

    I am proud of how far you have come and just remember we are always here if you need us!

    1. *hugs* Thank you! It’s nice to hear from you here.

  4. I totally and completely love this blog. I’m doing the Carlton from DC, if you don’t mind that I join you. I have a blog about a woman named Jan. I did an interview for her. She was in a mental institution on nine different medications and found the will to kick them to the curb too. I thought you would enjoy. Here you go —–> http://ressurrection.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/jan-williams-pregnant-at-age-eleven-by-brother-kicks-anti-psychotic-medication/

    1. We should all do a little more dancing, especially silly dancing.
      Thank you for adding to this post with yours.

  5. SStitches · · Reply

    Whoo, proud of you! I finally got off all mine in August (including the ones I could have stayed on because they helped with THIS or THAT) and feel so much better now. You’re stronger than you know.

    1. Pills have a purpose and a time.
      P.S. I can’t believe I let you leave the country without seeing you again.

      1. S Stitches · · Reply

        You almost had another chance — they nearly turned me away at the border. :/

        1. I’m glad they didn’t! You have 30 days dammit! Well, 23, same thing.

  6. God bless you and keep on looking forward not over your shoulder.

  7. I am in a constant battle with myself to continue on the medication or stop.

    1. It wasn’t easy, even if I made it sound like it was. I do feel better for coming off the medication, but I don’t think I should have been put on it to begin with. The doctors were listening to my ex-husband and not me. The doctors only had 10 minutes to pretend to care and couldn’t hear me. The feelings of depression were so heavy when I was on the anti-depressants and they have lifted since. It’s a personal decision, like so many others. You have people around you, so if you do try to go off, there is someone around to help you evaluate the results. I was in a dangerous position in that I have no one close who could observe me and I did spend a couple of weeks in a terrible spiral, but when the fog lifted I felt better.

  8. It’s always so amazing to me how situational my depression and anxiety are. I hate taking pills because for me they never work and just seem to make things worse. If I just stay tuned in to what my body is telling me, I do so much better.

    1. I have been off the anti-depressants, anti-anxiety, anti-personality pills for nine months now. I never wanted them to begin with, but my ex kept telling the doctors I needed them and they wouldn’t listen to me that I didn’t.
      I have never felt better. Yes, there are shitty days (sometimes weeks), but I am much more able to cope with a lucid mind. I find that if I up my intake of fruits and veggies and sunshine when I’m feeling down, then I come back quicker. Of course, it doesn’t hurt that he’s my ex now.

      1. It’s amazing how getting rid of “dead weight” can make you feel so much better! lol I am looking forward to some sunshine therapy this weekend—supposed to be sunny and around 90, so will be floating in the pool with a cold one!

        1. That dead weight becomes impossible to continue to carry around.
          I’ll be doing the same thing this weekend, so long as the sun stays out like they say it should.

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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