My first list was 3,498 words; this post is only 1,714

The first post about this list included only the emotional abuse (and the “door incident”).

The following is the rest of what I included in my original list of abuse. As much as I would like to edit it for all things editable, this was my original list where I admitted, out-loud, out-side of like company, that I had been duped by a dope. I kind of appreciate the disconnections, rapid language, and total lack of anything anywhere resembling a transition sentence.

Abuse on [my daughter]:

Two separate weekends while I was pregnant with N, Erik woke up in the morning with Is. Knowing that he was up with her, I went back to sleep. When I woke up he was in bed asleep and she was sitting alone on the couch with the TV on. She was not yet two-years-old. She was visibly frightened and cried when she told me, “Mommy, I all alone.”  I didn’t say anything to Erik. After the second time, I told him it was cruel and unsafe to leave her alone. Another weekend he woke with Is again. I stayed awake and waited for him to return to bed. When he didn’t  I went back to sleep. I woke a little while later and found him asleep on the couch with her sitting on the floor watching TV.

I would keep books and quiet toys next to Is’s bed so if she had trouble sleeping she could read or play and have quiet time instead of naptime. If she wouldn’t go to sleep, Erik would take her books and quiet toys out of her room and try to force her to stay in her bed instead of allowing her the chance to read and entertain herself quietly.

In March 2010 during a drive to LaGrange, GA from our house in Mableton, GA, Is started kicking the back of Erik’s seat. He asked her to stop. She started again, and again he yelled for her to stop. When she didn’t he reached back and pinched he upper right thigh. She cried out in pain. He refused to stop the car saying she needed to learn her lesson. I reached back and held her hand and told her she would be ok and that I loved her. I held her hand for the remaining hour of the drive.

In April 2010 during another drive to LaGrange, GA from our house in Mableton, GA, Is again started kicking the back of Erik’s seat. Again he reacted by pinching her leg. *

In May 2010, Erik returned with Is from Miami after a week away. She had a long, narrow bruise on her upper right thigh. She also complained that “Daddy hit me,” but has never offered specific details.

Abuse on [my son]:

When N was born, one of the first things Erik said about his son was “I didn’t want another girl.”

The first time Erik tried to stop me from picking up N when he was crying N was only a week old. Erik told me to let him cry because he needed to “man up.”

During some times when N would cry for unknown reason, Erik would force feed him formula. When he wouldn’t eat, Erik would forcefully massage his stomach, and hold the bottle in his mouth, and kept moving it to keep it in his mouth if N tried to get away from the bottle.

Sometimes when N would cry and we couldn’t figure out why, Erik would forcefully massage his stomach and intestines. N would cry in pain and when asked to stop, Erik would respond by saying, “he feels better when I’m finished.” 

Abuse against me:

Some examples of Physical Abuse:

1. February 2007: While living in Columbus, GA, Erik ended an argument by throwing his dinner plate and a dining room chair at me. I left the house and walked to a near-by park. He followed me in his car and refused to leave until I agreed to return with him. I was pregnant with Is.

2. November 4, 2008: While living in Marietta, GA, Erik held me up against a wall and screamed in my face. I got out of his hold and locked myself and Is in the bathroom.  He tried to break down the door with his shoulder and only stopped when he injured himself then collapsed on the floor crying.

3. February 23, 2010: While living in Mableton, GA, Erik threw me across the kitchen and through the laundry room door. The door broke loose and I hit the dryer with my head, neck, and back. I told him to leave. He took the carseats out of his car and when he returned to tell me he was going he looked at me and stated I was incapable of caring for the children then refused to leave. Is witnessed the attack. N was sleeping.

4. March 12, 2010-July 27, 2010: Surgeries because of his action/inaction

When I found out I was pregnant with N and told Erik it was a big joke for him to tell his family and friends, “Melanie is pregnant again. I’m getting fixed;” except he didn’t follow through with getting a vasectomy. At my six-week postpartum check-up it came time to decide on a method of birth control. Once again, 100% of the responsibility fell on me. I discussed two options with my doctor: Essure, a vaginal tubal ligation procedure, and an IUD. Because I had gotten pregnant twice on birth control pills I didn’t want to return to that method without Erik having a vasectomy. After discussing the two options I went with an IUD. Essure required three office visits and a three-month waiting period for the procedure to take effect. Erik couldn’t wait that long for sex or wear a condom. An IUD would be immediately effective. Essure carried a higher rate of pregnancy, most of those being a life-threatening tubal pregnancy. IUDs had a lower rate of pregnancy because of how they are made to work; it was less risky. Three days after having the IUD inserted I was back in the office because of severe pain that began within hours of getting the IUD. After an ultrasound and x-rays, the IUD was found in my left iliac region. It had perforated my uterus and needed to be removed through laparoscopic surgery. I had the first surgery March 17, during which a tubal ligation was preformed. The doctor urged Erik to have a vasectomy to significantly minimize the possibility of a tubal pregnancy, but he refused. I continued to have pain and in April I began experiencing a constant menses. I continued to bleed until my second surgery July 14. During the laparoscopic portion of the procedure, the doctor discovered that the tubal ligation had caused my right fallopian tube to swell and become infected.

5. May 8, 2010: While living in Palm Coast, FL, Erik charged at me with the knife he was using to cut vegetables in the kitchen. He cornered me between the bedroom and the bathroom. I pushed through him to escape the threat. Is and N were in the living room watching TV. Erik called the police and told them I was hysterical. When they arrived he convinced them to remove me from the household for psychiatric evaluation.

Some examples of Sexual Abuse:

When we met I told Erik I did not want sex to be a part of our early relationship so we could have time to get to know each other without the distraction of sex. On our fourth date he forced me into the bedroom and would not stop pushing the issue until I finally gave in and submitted to sex. He then told me he knew the first time he laid eyes on me that he could get me into bed.

Early in our relationship I made it clear I did not like sex after we had been out drinking because it made me dizzy and sick to my stomach. He often pushed the issue until I gave in then would get upset when I got sick telling me if I knew when to stop drinking I wouldn’t get sick.

I told Erik I did not like to have sex while on my period. When he would try to initiate sex during my period I would tell him no. He would tell me he didn’t care and I would tell him I did. He would tell me to put a towel down so I wouldn’t have to clean anything up. Most of the time he would allow me to say no during my period.

After Is was born, Erik refused to wait the required six-week recovery period before initiating sexual activity. I requested we wait until I had been cleared by my Ob/Gyn. He stated we had waited long enough and he needed it. He also refused to wait for the six-week postpartum check up after N was born.

When I would try to say no to his sexual advances he would often sulk around, refuse to look at or talk to me until I submitted to his needs.

After Is was born Erik would try to initiate sex during the day. If Is was awake he would say he could put her in front of a movie and that would give us enough time.

This makes me so fucking angry. He’s a terrible, terrible man and I’m not a bad woman for saying that. He’s a terrible, terrible man with two very small children dependent on him in ways he cannot possibly fulfill. And how Judge Dennis Craig could be such a fool as to hear me talk about this and still rule “the court finds that there is insufficient evidence that acts of domestic violence have occurred,” I will never understand.

I will never understand his oblivion to the dynamics of domestic violence. That has to be it. That has to be why he said, “the court found there was insufficient evidence presented by the mother to establish that she had been subjected to domestic violence.”

This mother finds the court gave insufficient attention to the evidence of domestic violence.

* I have recently learned, as in last month when the kids were with me for two weeks, that Donkey is now pinching N in the car.

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41 comments

  1. I’m so sad he did this too you, he is an ass! I learned something from reading this. I had a similar experience with a former BF years ago where I said no because of that time of month and he pushed until I gave in…until this moment, I never realized that is sexual abuse too.

    1. I’ve come to believe any time you say NO as your original answer and then are coerced into saying YES, it’s RAPE. It’s just too bad it took me so long to realize that. Donkey is a rapist. He’s good at it. He would make me feel so bad for saying no, I had no choice but to say yes. He “needed” it or he would get angry.

      1. I’m so sorry, and I’m shaken.

        1. I’m sorry too.

          1. It just shouldn’t happen to anyone. xo

            1. No it shouldn’t. Ever.

  2. literaryphoenix · · Reply

    Melanie, I’m so sorry. Some of us remember this stuff too late, as it did in my case, and my memory returned months after my case settled. Rape is rape and no means HELL no, no matter how others try to sugarcoat or dismiss it.

    1. Rape is rape and no is no, married or not.
      This is nothing compared to what I could (and do) list now. There are so many things I wish I had included in this list, but I didn’t have the same level of knowledge about abuse then. I did what I could with what I knew, and now that I know more I do better.
      How are you doing?

  3. Assholes like Donkey give good men a bad name. I asked my husband to read other blogs if it was too hard for him to read mine so he could understand what bad men and fathers are capable of doing to their wives and children. My husband became aggregated quickly. He was sick to his stomach. He asked me, “How can someone do such a thing? How could someone grab the throat of a woman they supposedly love? How could they do it to someone they didn’t love?” It’s too difficult for good men to believe assholes like Donkey walk and breathe among us. Too many are allowed to go on living without consequences and some are rewarded for their bad behavior like Donkey!! My X pinched me and my son. He didn’t considered it abuse and would get upset if I said it hurt. He called my son a baby if he cried after being pinched. Sick bastard.

    1. Donkey even told the judge that he considered causing children physical pain an acceptable form of discipline. I am so convinced that the judge is himself an abuser that there is little to nothing to convince me otherwise. These men are sick, and they believe they are god’s gift to the world. Sick, twisted, wastes of human flesh, that’s what they are.

  4. I also remember the time he threw the entire silverware drawer at you while you were pregnant with N. I don’t know what initiated it (as I wasn’t in the room at the time), but I do know that I was not the only witness.

    1. Also, he made you pick it all up.

      1. Andy was there too. Andy, who agreed to testify against me in the divorce, is still being victimized by Donkey. I hate Andy as much as I hate Yoly, tho they deserve my pity, not my hate…baby steps to four o’clock.

  5. twindaddy · · Reply

    I’m sorry these things happened to but I have to ask; why did you stay in this relationship so long?

    1. These things happened over time and I didn’t see it for what it was. It wasn’t until he threw me through the door that I saw what was happening. Then I got out as soon as possible. I didn’t like him when I married him, but I didn’t know why exactly. I didn’t want to get married, but I was pregnant and unemployed because I was still a senior in college. I thought it would get better. I would have left sooner had I known I didn’t have to wait until I could file for divorce, but I found that out a few months later, and then I did leave.
      And that’s another part of the problem. I didn’t stay long enough for it to be considered “significant” abuse. It was “minor” because he didn’t break bones (or bones that could be put in a cast, apparently the vertebrae don’t count), because we didn’t yell loud enough for the neighbors to call the police, because I didn’t call the police, because an ambulance was never needed, because I had a car, because I had access to the bank account (no matter that I wasn’t allowed to carry the card unless I asked his permission so I could grocery shop, get gas, or buy his beer or pot), because he only cleaned his guns in front of me and never pointed them at me, because because because…

      1. twindaddy · · Reply

        Well, that’s fucked up. I’m glad you’re out of there. Just keep fighting. Things will get better. And, of course, you can always bitch here and I’ll either offer funny or supportive comments depending on the situation.

        1. Funny or supportive. Both are good. You’ve walked the path of divorce and custody and I appreciate your wisdom.

          1. twindaddy · · Reply

            I don’t know about wisdom, but I’ve been around the block. However, Kentucky laws are surely different than Georgia’s. But I’ll offer you any advice that I can.

            1. All the states are the same but different. Florida has jurisdiction over the divorce and custody, and no one can figure out FL’s logic.
              I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad for the advice and the humor.

              1. twindaddy · · Reply

                Um, not all states are the same. I can tell you that had I gotten divorced in Ohio I’d only be able to see my kids every other weekend and have to pay an inordinate amount of money to an ungrateful bitch just because I have a dick. But luckily, Kentucky lets us split custody and sees both parents as being equal.

                1. Oh. I didn’t realize. I thought the UCCJEA was supposed to make custody schedules universal in all states, or at least the states that adopted it. I think MA is the only one that refuses to recognize it. As far as child support, I don’t know. I know I pay very little because Donkey’s salary is 2x mine, but as far as the difference between states, I know nothing. I should tho, because I plan to domesticate it to GA when Donkey moves to Atlanta. But he’s so damn broke the kids need me to pay him or they couldn’t go to school or karate or see me. He won’t reduce his cable package and pays over $1,110 in rent with a premium for being on the first floor plus pet rent. And he pays his lawyer $300/hour plus court fees and filing fees for all his lawsuits against me.

                  1. twindaddy · · Reply

                    Sounds like his head is on straight. *rolls eyes* Yeah, things vary from state to state. I feel sorry for all the dads I know in Ohio that have to deal with this bullshit.

                    1. Yeah. Me too. What a crock. I’m supposed to be able to see them whenever I want, which, of course, doesn’t happen. The minimum is twice a month, which also doesn’t happen.

                    2. twindaddy · ·

                      Yeah, that’s bullshit. In Kentucky, unless there’s proof of abuse or neglect, both parents get equal parenting time.

                    3. I don’t know that it matters where I or we live, he’ll give me what time he thinks I deserve.

                    4. twindaddy · ·

                      And that’s why you can’t stop fighting. Especially for your kids’ sake. It sounds like he’s not a top-notch father…

                    5. No, he’s not, but he told the judge he would be, so at least I have his own words to use against him. God, I hate this. Vindication has become my life.

                    6. twindaddy · ·

                      Well, ensure you document (with times and dates) anything bad that happens or anything they tell you that happens. The more you evidence you have, the better off for you and the children.

                    7. Documenting is part of the reason for this blog. I can click on my “custody” or “final judgement” category and pull it all up in one place. Thanks to gmail having the world’s largest storage and a search feature I can also get to the back-up to my back-up.

                    8. twindaddy · ·

                      Awesome. That’s the way to do it.

                    9. Yes. And, currently being solitary, my computer screen listens to me rant on and on about his jackass-ness so I don’t hold it all in and then try to remember it later. 🙂

                    10. twindaddy · ·

                      Hahahahaha. True. The computer will not hold anything you say against you.

  6. “The first time Erik tried to stop me from picking up N when he was crying N was only a week old. Erik told me to let him cry because he needed to “man up.””
    This is the exact same thing that happened to me when my first one was born. It made me afraid though, that if he didn’t have that instinct to try to comfort a newborn, it would only be a matter of time before that newborn’s screaming would push him over the edge.

    When A first started pulling himself up on furniture, X would stand him up in his crib, sit in a chair beside the crib, and hold A’s hands onto the railing, so he couldn’t let go, forcing him to stand, and cry, and scream, and not able to get away. I’d ask him to stop it, he’s crying, he doesn’t like it. leave him alone. He’d tell me “This is how he gets strong. He needs to develop leg muscles. He’ll get over it.”

    1. It’s just a matter of time before he goes over the edge. He’s all alone with the kids all the time. He has no support system. It’s just a matter of time. God! I hate it. My kids are going to be physically hurt and I can’t do anything to stop it until after it happens.
      I’m so sorry you can identify with this. It’s so painful to think of the harm these innocents have experienced simply because they are born to the wrong man.

      1. I’m sorry. Feeling so powerless and helpless is the worst.

  7. I don’t even know what to say other then my heart aches for you. I am so sorry!

    1. I’m sorry there are so many of us with stories to tell, and my god, what you survived is atrocious. I believe the more people tell their stories, the more people will realize this is real and it happens all the time. I admire you for your courage.

      1. Thank you Melanie, it happens every second to so many people. I also sent you a private email.
        With love, Becki

  8. […] My First List Was 3,498 Words; This Post is Only 1,714 […]

  9. […] List of some of the physical and sexual abuse […]

  10. […] loss of my children, accepted my responsibility in that loss, and come to terms with the abuse I endured and turned that into advocacy. I allowed myself to wallow in deep, dark sadness and crawled back […]

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