This Is My Party

Dear Donkey,

This is my party, and you are not invited. This is my party, and I’ll cry all I want. This is my party, and I wouldn’t be having it if you weren’t a total douchebag. This is my party. I made the decorations. I made the favors. I made the invitations, and I sent them out. You, however, have contributed the games. I don’t like them, but I suppose you had to have some part lest you feel left out. But this is my party. I am in charge here.

This is an open-door party. I am aware that I flung the front door wide open and placed the balloons out front. I put up signs and arrows. The guest list is long and new attendees arrive regularly. I welcome them with open arms, an open mind, and an open story. But I do not welcome you. You are the party crasher. You alone hold that honor. You are the cancelled clown.

You have an insatiable need to be validated, but that is not what is happening here. Nothing here is to validate your actions as just, as deserved, as desired. Everything here is to chronicle the ongoing abuse, oh and yes sir this is abuse that I chronicle. It is the abuse then. It is the abuse now. It will be the abuse yet to come. I am no fool. I know there is more to come. Much more. A lifetime’s worth.

I am serving a life sentence for the mistake of allowing you into my life, for allowing you to make me feel a fool for finding the fabulous in the everyday. I am serving a life sentence for letting you see where I lived, where you moved in without discussion or warning. You just didn’t leave. I am serving a life sentence for not listening to the friends who loved me, and instead listening to a man who objected me. I am serving a life sentence for letting you talk me into sex I didn’t want, for not allowing you to talk me into an abortion, for caving to the pressure to marry a man I did not love, did not like, did not respect. I am serving a life sentence for believing that all was not lost when nothing could be found.

You see this as the vengeful, bitch ex-wife lashing out. You are wrong. This is not vengeance. You’re not wrong. I am lashing out. I am angry. I have every right to be. Your lies, your deceit, your manipulations, your threats, your put-downs, your control, your punches, your silence and your screaming, your hate, your anger, and your illusions of being the know-all, have-all, and be-all of all people, places, and things have given me much to be angry with.

You are a wife-beating, child abusing, drunk, sorry excuse for a man. You are the deliberate donkey. You have unleashed that which you tried to collar. I am a writer. I am writing. Again. You silenced my voice, but now it rings loud and clear, and quoting my blog posts to me isn’t going to quiet me, not anymore. It isn’t going to make me question if I should write. It is going to make me question how to write. Quit being a self-serving ass, and I won’t have anything to write about here; I won’t have anything to write about here. I will still write. I cannot be stopped. Not by you.

I have been writing here now for one year. It is my blogiversary. I am celebrating what you have given me, and that is this space. Don’t get too excited. It’s not all about you. It’s about me. It’s about my growth, my recovery, my process. This is my room of my own. It is a one-person room, though there are many here.

“The devil went down to Georgia. He was looking for a soul to steal.” But this Johnny lost that bet, though she is the best that’s ever been.

I am the best. I am the best me that’s ever been. I am smart. I am strong. I am brave. I am beautiful. I don’t just tell this to my kids. When I tell them “you are brave, beautiful, smart, and strong,” I am also saying this to myself. I believe it. I am smart. I am strong. I am brave. I am beautiful. Don’t you forget it. And that’s an order.

With no love and all sincerity,

Melanie

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38 comments

  1. Mommyto2 · · Reply

    Amen.

    1. Amen again. Thanks!

  2. You’re such an inspiration… Happy blogiversary!!!

    1. Thanks! I almost missed it. Silly me.

  3. Happy blogiversary, Melanie! You are doing great. Your party, your corn, your rules!

    1. Thanks! This all started because I’m sick of him quoting me to me. I mean, seriously? I know what I’ve said.

      1. My pleasure! Is he on WP too? If so, please let us know who to block!

        1. Not as far as I know. He’s just got me bookmarked. I don’t see that he’s an official follower, nor that he’s writing here or anywhere, and I’ve been watching.

          1. That’s good to hear! That is creepy and stalking to read what you write. I’m glad that you have found positive people on here, not people who try to use your thoughts and feelings as weapons against you!

            1. It is creepy, and self-depreciating. Why on earth would you want to read someone hate on you? If he were to ever comment here, I would unleash the furry of my followers on him, but I think he knows that, and he’s a coward, so he throws it at me in behind closed doors.

              1. I believe it is to find ammunition against you, to fuel his hate, and to find any reason to feel offended in order to justify his sick actions. Those would be my guesses. Damn straight we’d back you!

                1. I agree. You’re guesses are pretty good.

                  1. I wish they weren’t.

  4. Congrats on your blogiversary! If Donkey ever does decide to blog, please link us up – he will be in for a surprise he won’t soon forget!

    1. Thanks! If he starts a blog, that’s his business. If I find out about it, I’ll share that, for sure, and let everyone read his delusions first hand (if they want to), but I won’t be as avid a reader of his as he is of mine.

  5. twindaddy · · Reply

    Dearest Melanie, you kick ass. That is all.

    1. I’m trying. This has been brewing for a while, but after he told me Tuesday “maybe if you spent the time you spend…blogging about me finding a job in Florida you would have been successful” I couldn’t hold it in anymore. Like my blogging has anything to do with him answering his phone. Whatever. He needs to leave this space alone.

      1. twindaddy · · Reply

        No, let him read it so he can see how many people realize what an ignorant fuck he is.

        Don’t let his words get to you. I know that’s easier said than done but when you objectively look at how stupid he is you’ll realize that you shouldn’t give any considerations to statements like that. You’re better than him and anything he says like that is said solely to hurt you. Don’t give him that power any more.

        1. I don’t know that he’ll ever think people think he’s an ignorant fuck. I think he’ll think we’re the ignorant ones. I can’t stop him from reading. I made this public and I’m not going to make it private or password protected. He will continue to try to throw my own words back at me, and it will become less hard for me to bear. What he said Tuesday was eye-roll worthy. It’s all a process. I’m growing and my shell against him is getting stronger.

  6. We will trample donkey if and when he decides to ever blog. Wishing you all the best the universe has to offer ! Happy blogiversary Melanie.

    1. I would be surprised if he starts a blog, sort of. I wouldn’t read it, but I would let my readers and my lawyer know if he does.

  7. Whoa! you said it for all of us, to all the abusive narcissists who think they are god’s gift to the world. Happy Blogaversary!! keep bringing it! xo

    1. The way he throws this back in my face only proves to me that he is the abusive jerk that I think he is. I’m sure this will come up in court and he’ll try to use it to prove why he’s a better person. Whatever. I’m in a better place this year compared to last, and that has a lot to do with writing this all out, not to mention the honest and kind support and advice I have received through the process. So much of what you all have said to me has helped me to grow and become a better person, and learn to react to him with more clarity and less emotion.

      1. i’m so glad you said it! you have every right to get angry and it not being seen a crazy…i can only imagine how angry he gets…xo

  8. I am proud of you for writing this, despite any repercussions. I almost started singing “I am women.”

    1. Whatever the repercussions will be, I feel better for telling him to go away.

  9. Your anger is palpable. Your conclusion inspirational. Keep writing.

    1. It won’t deter him, but now he can’t say I didn’t tell him he and his quotes are not wanted.

        1. sis boom bah!

  10. Happy Blogiversary! (Sorry for being so late to the party! )

    1. I am glad you are here. A cute fire-breathing dino with a heart of gold is a great addition to the party. 🙂 You are welcome whenever you come for however long you stay. 🙂

  11. not many people know the art of channeling the energy of their anger to do something positive. that needs strength and so, you must be very strong. happy blogiversary 🙂

    1. Thank you, Mavra. This space is about taking a negative and turning it into a positive, and a place to practice my writing skills. I work at the writing, and I work at being strong. I fail at both sometimes, but I succeed more often. Thanks for stopping by, for reading, and for taking the time to comment.

  12. Well said! Hope there is someone out there taking note of this….. what pleasure can anyone take pleasure in being such a weasel??

    1. I don’t know what pleasure he gains, other than to take satisfaction in that everything I do here is to serve him. He likes to tell me that, that this space serves him. He’ll never understand how wrong he is about that.

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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