Staying Single

It has been 945 days since I left him. It has been 1,036 days since I separated us. It has been 2,846 days since my last first date. It has been 334 days since the judge slammed the gavel on the divorce. No matter how many days pass, there don’t seem to be enough between Donkey and a date.

In my office, there are only two of us who are unattached. During the hours of eight to five, we talk business and not gossip and drama. We don’t talk personal lives, other than what books we are reading. It’s a mutual we just don’t care.

For whatever reason, last week he asked me if I’ve been going out on dates. Maybe after six months of working together the pleasantries, how are you, fine, how are you, fine, have run their course. I don’t know. I like my walls, but I answered the question. “No,” I said, “I haven’t gone on any dates.” He asked why not, and I just shook my head for several seconds before finally coming up with, “I would just be going for free dinners and that’s not right.”

He shook his head and retorted, “if that’s what you think, you need to think differently.” He explained, using himself as an example, that he’s taken several women out for free dinners and that men really do enjoy taking women out. That it’s not necessarily about finding the next relationship, but about the company, the conversation, and the impression. If it’s mutually enjoyed, there’s another dinner; if not, then not.

He made it sound so enjoyable. He made it sound like it was not if you order chicken you have to kiss and if you order steak you have to fuck. He made it sound like dinner was just that, dinner, and not day one of a five-year relationship, not step one to the sack.

All this to say, he got me thinking that maybe dating wouldn’t be the end of me. Could I gather the courage to expose myself to the pain and gain that is dating, and find someone not only willing to accept me, but to accept that Donkey is part of the package? Could I actually lift my head and notice that those feet belong to a man?

I starting thinking maybe it might be enjoyable to get out, go out, and have adult conversations that don’t require typing. Thinking someone might be able to make me smile, that I might be able to make someone smile. Thinking I might be able to laugh, and laugh with someone who is also laughing. Thinking I could feel good for being me even in the presence of another. Thinking there might be someone who doesn’t think changing me would make me better. Thinking I could appreciate someone, and someone could appreciate me. And then I thought better.

I still think in terms of Donkey. I worry I will meet his clone. I don’t want to bring him into anyone else’s life. I can’t fathom the abuse he will heap on me if someone does come into my life. Though the respect wouldn’t be afforded me, were someone to become significant I wouldn’t want to introduce him and the kids without first telling Donkey. That isn’t something he should hear from the kids.

I don’t trust myself, and that makes it hard to trust someone else. I’m still happy being single.

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31 comments

  1. You will know when you are ready. What would be expected if you order lobster?

    1. Ha! I don’t know. Probably my soul.

      1. Bahahahaha. 🙂

  2. If you’re not ready that’s okay. like Becki, said you will know when you are. xo

    1. I’ve had a day to think about this since putting it in print. I think I’m giving Donkey too much power in my life. What does he matter? He doesn’t. I divorced him. If he has a problem with me dating, that’s his problem.

      1. well if concern over what he might think is your only reason then i agree, if you just don’t feel ready for your own reasons, then you have to take care of you right?

  3. Bob, the Dad of a Daughter of abuse. · · Reply

    “The bottom line” is make YOURSELF HAPPY. I’ve also heard “Don’t dip your pen into company ink”. But “a stitch in time saves nine.”. “Time heals all wounds”, if ya have that much time.

    1. I have time. The wounds are scabs and will scar over in time. As far as company ink…he’s Republican, you don’t have to worry about any dipping.

  4. Ha! I love the line about having an adult conversation that doesn’t involve typing. One other observation – it sounds like you may be putting too much Donkey thought into your next possible relationship. Worrying about telling him first raises a red flag for me. I’m not saying you’re right or wrong. I’m just saying you’re getting way ahead of yourself. You haven’t even ordered dinner yet (and go for the chicken -it’s time)! Don’t worry about Donkey logistics when dating and creating a new, loving and healthy relationship. That should unfold despite Donkey. Who knows, the kids could be in their teens before you meet the right guy, and then I wouldn’t think it would be Donkey you’d be telling first. Plus, he could be dead. Sorry, that last one just slipped out….;-)
    Denmother

    1. There is too much Donkey in my thinking, and it is a red flag. It’s an “I’m not ready and have work to do” red flag. I’m still allowing my fear of him to control things that haven’t even happened. This is why I like blogging. People help me see things I’m not seeing myself.

  5. Take it slow. But don’t write it off. Become one with yourself. Use the force.

    1. Look at you going all Star Wars. lol! But I’ve pretty much written it off. By the time I get over the donkey aspect, it will have been too long. It’s already been too long.

      1. I love Star Wars. I say stay friends with the guy, and use his body.

        1. I’ve seen a couple bodies that have reminded me I still have, er, feelings, but I couldn’t act on that. Too scary.

          1. Yeah, I have never been able to do that either. Sounds good in theory.

      2. Relationships come from friendships. Friendships come first. Friendships are important, regardless of bigger, scarier ‘relationships’. If dinner = new friendships, maybe it wouldn’t seem so scary? Your getting ahead of yourself with the being ready for love. Dating doesn’t equal love. Dinner doesn’t equal sex or vulnerability even if you don’t want it to. Just a thought 🙂

        1. I am way ahead of myself. I’ve had a day to go over this since I posted it and I’ve crossed bridges I haven’t come to.

  6. Be who you are happy being. Be the best you! ❤

    1. I’m working on being the best me, and I still want to work on that as a single lady. Knowing that is half the battle.

      1. I feel that until I know me, who I truly am, I wouldn’t be the best partner for a guy. I would make things more confused, not be the equal partner.

        1. I agree. Plus, I’m still seriously selfish in my singlehood.

  7. There is nothing wrong with being single! If that’s what you need to recover and be strong – do it! If during that time you meet someone who helps you in these things, that’s a different story. Hugs.

    1. There is nothing wrong with being single. I do miss the company and the conversation. I also enjoy the selfishness I have in my singlehood right now. I’ll get there. I keep saying I need to get over certain things first, but I’ll always have something to get over to keep avoiding it. I’m afraid. That’s all it boils down to.

      1. I know you’ll get there 🙂 And that you’ll kick to the curb any garbage that gets into your way!

  8. Date. Enjoy yourself. Enjoy getting to know people. Getting to trust people. I know it is hard. So very very hard. I know how scary it is. I know you may not be ready right now. But, all you have to do is keep an open mind.

    BTW – I live in the Atlanta area too.

    1. I mentioned to a friend yesterday that I already regretted this post. Not that I regretted sharing my feelings, but that I regretted the power I just gave Donkey with this post (he reads this blog). I’d like to date. I really would, but I can’t think about dating without thinking about Donkey. But he shouldn’t matter. I divorced him. It’s another step in the recovery process. My logical mind says I should take that step. I haven’t rescued the kids from him yet, so now I have the time and the space. My emotional mind, well, I’m still working on that one.
      Yeah for Atlanta! Wasn’t yesterday just the most beautiful day.

      1. I so understand!!! Scared of the scars, I did a whole post on it!

        And yes, yesterday was beautiful. Unlike the gloomy rain of today…

        1. Can you send me the link to that post?
          I could do without the rain, but we need it, so I’l keep my complaints to a minimum (but I’m still complaining).

  9. […] been doing a lot of thinking since I last tried to convince myself that I desired continued, perpetual singlehood. The conclusion I’ve come to is I don’t […]

  10. […] months ago, and, quietly, we explored our mutual attraction. While I sat here and insisted that I had no interest in dating, I thought I could be wrong in continuing that insistence. I […]

  11. […] about that by now. I’ve tried for over a year to figure this out, again and again and again and again and again. And here I am, once again, trying to figure out where it is I am with […]

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