Fight, Fighter, Fightest

Custody will go to the Father.

10 April 2012.

The End.

I am fighting a fight I shouldn’t have to be fighting.
I fought for our protection and safety,
and it was all for nothing.
I fought for our protection and safety,
and I was told I was wrong.

I fought to make plans to escape.
I questioned my decision and my actions.
I packed small boxes in the morning, and unpacked them in the evening;
Repacked the same box, again and again, wondering if I should be packing boxes at all;
Snuck out to consult with lawyers, changing clothes in law office parking lots;
Called women’s shelters, hoping one would have space when I needed space;
Worked with counselors and advocates, using each to reaffirm my strength.
I kept my resolve.

For three months, I worked diligently, with great effort,
to get myself in a position to run fast and free at the first moment I safely could.
For three months, I wondered what I was doing,
if it was right, if I could do it, if I could make it, if he would figure it out
and kill me.

I fought to escape.
I questioned my decision and my actions.
I loaded my car and I turned the engine;
Wondered if we shouldn’t just go to the beach;
Put the car in reverse and pulled out of my parking space;
Wondered if we shouldn’t just go grocery shopping;
Put the car in drive, and hit the gas like I had somewhere to go.
I had to go away.

For three minutes, I worked diligently, with great effort,
to get myself in a position to run fast and free at this first moment I safely could.
For three minutes, I wondered what I was doing,
if it was right, if I could do it, if I could make it, if he would figure it out
and kill me.

I fought to remain escaped.
I questioned my decision and my actions.
I cried constantly in the first weeks at the shelter;
Mourned the loss of the family life I never really had;
Lost sleep over nightmares and daydreams;
Feared for myself, my children, my family, my friends;
Coped and healed, and started over with $600 and no job.
I was sad for him.

For three weeks, I worked diligently, with great effort,
to keep myself in a position to be free in these first moments I safely could.
For three weeks, I wondered what I was doing,
if it was right, if I could do it, if I could make it, if he would figure it out
and kill me.

I fought to remain escaped.
I questioned my decision and my actions.
I wondered if the fractured bones and broken spirit were enough to end it;
if I hadn’t thrown it all out of proportion;
if I had given him enough chances to be the man he said he was;
if our family would have become a family
if only I had given it just a little bit more time.
I questioned myself.

For three years, I have worked diligently, with great effort,
to keep myself in a position to be free in every moment.
For three years, I have wondered what I am doing,
if I am right, if I can do it, if I can make it, if he
will kill them.

I am fighting a fight I shouldn’t have to be fighting.
I am a fighter fighting the fightest fight.

Weekly Writing Challenge: Playing With Space

Advertisements

56 comments

  1. eautiful, I just cried. From someone who is a fighter just keep on fighting for what is right.

    1. Thank you.
      I will keep fighting. It’s not a fight I want to stop fighting, no matter how beat down and exhausted I am.

  2. Standing alongside you dear friend, with a heart breaking for you xo

    1. And when I cannot stand, I will lean on you my dear friend. Your support is so very much appreciated.

      1. i’m glad to hear that xo

  3. That just punched me in the gut, and I lost my breathe for a moment.

    1. Breathe! I can’t have you passing out on me.

      1. Don’t worry, I am not going anywhere.

  4. “Liked” for strength and writing skills, not for situation. *hugs*

    1. Thank you for the hugs. I like hugs.

  5. Boooo to the sentiment, but nicely done.

    1. Thank you. It is boo worthy. It sucks.

  6. Speechless.
    Denmother

    1. Denmother,
      I take this as a compliment to the composition, for the subject sucks (this I know). I hope that’s ok.
      Melanie

      1. Absolutely. I just couldn’t find the words to comment on how painful this must be.

        1. It is painful. Your comment expressed that difficulty in finding the right words when the right words are so hard to find.

  7. Reblogged this on Stuphblog and commented:
    Please support my dear friend Melanie. She is having a tough time today so please go show her some love.

  8. Le Clown · · Reply

    Melanie,
    I can’t say much about this, when it comes to my own story, as I am now legally bound to not talk about certain things about my family on social networks. Just know that I know exactly what you are going through, and can’t tell you how much I feel for you. If you do need to talk to someone, you are more than welcome to email me: clownonfire@gmail.com. I’m so very sorry.
    Le Clown

    1. Le Clown,
      I am sorry you know exactly what I am going through. I am thankful for your willing ear.
      There are some who will say that life is not fair, and while this is true, is seems more unfair for some of us.
      With much gratitude and appreciation,
      Melanie

  9. Melanie, I don’t know you. But my sister was there. Friends have been there. All people who don’t deserve to be there have been there. Best of luck and bonne courage to you.

    The world just shouldn’t put folks in this situation.

    1. Thank you, Elyse.
      There are too many of us here who don’t deserve to be here. The world is up-side-down in so many ways.
      Your kind words add to my strength. Thank you.

  10. Melanie,
    I’m not to proud to admit that I got a little choked up reading this. I had no idea you had gone through all of this. I knew some of your past and what you currently face, but I had no idea you ran to a shelter. I had no idea.

    Your strength is an inspiration to me. It takes guts to do what you did and are still doing. It takes resolve the likes of which I’ve never had to conjure up. Keep on fighting your fight and know that I’ll fight along side you. I have your back.

    I am here for you. Always. All you have to do is say the word.

    1. I talk more about what I endure now, than what I endured then. I’m not sure I’ve mentioned my stay in the shelter in any detail. It’s been a passing statement, if at all. I know I haven’t talked about what happened on this day one year ago. It hurts so bad.
      It takes me quite a lot of strength and deep breaths to share the past. I speak about the present. I pain over the past. It crushes me on days like today, and then I still refuse to talk about it. This post is not at all what it started out to be. It started out to be the first time I spoke about the hearing.
      I know you are standing alongside me in this. I know you have my back, and when I need to fall, I will let you catch me. I will say the word.

  11. Nothing surprises me anymore. Good luck continuing the fight.

    1. I will continue fighting. Thank you for sending me good luck.

  12. A lot of your story echoes mine, only we have had different outcomes.

    Sending you continued strength. I am glad you want to keep fighting. You have a network here that will be ready when you need us to listen, rant on your behalf or to help you smile.

    (((Melanie)))

    JC

    1. I am glad you have a different outcome. That’s how it should be.
      Thank you for sending strength. It is the support of this amazing community that helps me to keep going. It is wonderful that I can bare my soul and receive love in return.

  13. Wandered over from Stuphblog.
    It’s always an honor to meet someone who stands up for themselves and fights for what’s right, not matter how hard it gets.
    And especially when it’s that hard.
    Rock on, Melanie.

    1. Thank you from wondering on over. I am grateful to Twindaddy for sharing my struggle with his readers and sending you my way. I am grateful for you coming over and reading what isn’t easy to read.
      I will rock on. And when I reach a boulder that tries to stand in my way, I will return to these comments of true support, and move it with the renewed strength of the support I do receive here.

  14. Melanie… keep fighting. No matter the abuse it is abuse. Never forget that you and your children do not deserve it. Remember you are beautiful and loveable and no ONE person should ever try to tell you differently.

    1. His voice gets quieter and quieter with every comment like this. We don’t deserve it. No one does. Thank you.

  15. Oh Lovie. HUGS! ! ! I’m so sorry. I’ll be there to help you fight when ever you need me. HUGS lovie.

    1. You are here helping me fight right now. With the kindness and support, I feel the help.
      Hugs back to you. We are the strong ones. Together, we will stay that way.

      1. Definitely. I’m here for you lovie. Anytime. I mean it.

  16. I wish there was something I could do for you, my dear. Just say the word, and I’ll let you slap around my brother until you start feeling better.

    1. Oh, you made me laugh. I’m sure Twindaddy will appreciate you sacrificing him.
      But really, this is doing so very much for me. Your kindness is doing it. Thank you.

      1. Anytime, Melanie.

  17. I’m so sorry to hear that. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

    1. Thank you, Simon. I am staying strong, mostly. It’s great effort, but well worth it.

  18. Melanie,
    Stay strong and never forget you are loved.
    The Hook.

    1. Hook,
      I will, and thank you for the reminder – sometimes it’s easy to forget, and then all of you come along and it comes right back.
      Melanie

  19. ladyhawk87 · · Reply

    Stay strong! My prayers are with you!
    XX

    1. Thank you. It is wonderful to have so much support here. It really does help me stay strong.

  20. All my love to you, Melanie.

    1. Thank you, Stacey. I am so grateful to have you in my corner.

      1. I wish I could fight for you…

  21. While hauntingly beautifully worded, the pain is overwhelming. I feel it. I feel the agony that weighs so heavy on you; it screams from the monitor. You are an extremely talented woman. Truly gifted. I hope you know that.

    I’m still praying for a different outcome for you.

    1. Thank you for the compliment. I do actually believe I have a talent for writing, but it does feel good to read this. There is always questioning. Even though I think I can write, and work very hard to do it well, I still question if I’ve actually put out what I intended to put out and if it isn’t just a pile of words that say nothing. It’s nice to hear this is effective. Thank you for telling me. I do appreciate it, more so because I think you are an extremely talented woman – in life, in motherhood, and in writing.
      I thank you too for the prayers.

  22. Life can suck sometimes. You do the right thing, but the universe doesn’t give a rats ass…it will still beat you up side the head and test your resolve.

    Poetry sometimes I find is the only way to say some things, express certain things? …not sure what it is, but keep doing it because your good at it.

    1. The universe does seem to laugh in people’s face.
      This is the first time I’ve tried poetry here. I’m grateful to hear it does express what I needed to express. Thank you.

  23. You did a beautiful job of speaking the truth about what you’ve taken yourself through so far. Hopefully time will make it all a bit softer and “easier.” Hugs to you.

    1. Thank you, Judy. Time has indeed already worked some of it’s healing powers on me, and I imagine it will continue to do so.
      Thanks too for the hugs. Hugs back to you.

  24. […] Aside – Please excuse my absence last week. It was the one-year anniversary of my divorce and I was working on another composition. […]

  25. […] in entertainment here and there. I have put together some essays, talked about books, and once I did a poem. Now, it’s time to grow this […]

  26. […] houses. I have watched rated R movies from start to finish. I have written nonfiction, essays, and poetry. I have read books and reflected on how they speak to my past, my current, and my future. I have […]

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: