I want to thank you Melanie for allowing me to broach this subject on your blog. I’ve tossed around the idea of doing a post on this topic, for some time; Truth be told, I’m a little scared.
It stands to reason, that when one has been sexually abused, it will affect ones sex life immensely.
There are many ways it can ambush a person, but I’ll share what it’s done to me. First I have to give a little background.
I was born into an abusive family, up until recently I thought the sexual abuse began through a neighbourhood boy at around the age of 10. I’ve learned just in the last few months, that I was victim to my grandfather as a baby. So from infant up to my late 20’s I’ve been through all forms of sexual abuse and any other kind of abuse you can imagine. The first rape I remember happened, when I was 11 years old by that neighbourhood boy. I had no family support even though I told. It was swept under the carpet. I was looked down upon.
What has this done to me? It’s done a lot of damage. For starters, in my late teens to late 20’s I based my worth on how good I was at sex, and how many guys I could get. I had no idea guys could do it without feeling anything, so my heart was broken often. The more that I lost men after, the more my self worth sank. I never felt good enough (A message my father also instilled in me beforehand.) I was looking for the love I hadn’t received at home. It opened the door to a lot more abuse. I wasn’t taught to say “no.” In my family the word “no” was almost taboo.
It almost goes without saying; I was used and abused constantly. I developed a reputation, a horrible name, which I can’t bring myself to say, but I believe you can imagine.
As painful as that word directed at me was, it became the beginning of change. It woke me up.
I’d never learned boundaries, and what happens when you don’t learn boundaries, is you’ll often go to opposite extremes. That’s just what I did. I went from all to nothing. I was a complete mess, with breakdown included and all alone.
I’m going to fast forward to my present. I’ve been married to a wonderful man for 10 years. I have zero sex drive. Hubby never forces me in any way, but I do it for him. I often feel panic, have flashbacks of the abuse, and dissociate. In order for me to be able to have sex, I often go numb. This is also a part of C-PTSD caused in part to all the sexual abuse I endured.
Poor Hubby never knows if I’m being honest about wanting sex when I tell him I do, because to this day, I can’t say “no” and he knows it. I’ve learned that pleasing men at my expense is what’s done and saying “no” was dangerous for me. It doesn’t matter what my needs are as long as the man is pleased. This in large part is a lesson learned from my narcissistic abusive father. This lesson is a lie.
In my mind, I’m married so it’s a sense of duty.(Apparently that’s not true) Hubby is always guessing with me and often feels like he’s raping me, because he’s not sure I’m into it. Honestly I’m mostly not but, I want to try. I love my Husband.
To sum this up, what is supposed to be a beautiful gift between two people who love each other, has become a horrible dirty monster that needs slaying.
I’m working hard in therapy to change my mindsets, so that I can learn to enjoy the gift of sex. It’ll take a lot of work, but I believe it’s worth it. I’m grateful to have a supportive loving Husband to stand by me through this.
Has abuse affected your sex life? How do you feel about sex if you’ve been abused?
I can’t end this without saying, there is hope!
About the Author
Behind the mask of abuse is a real person. A real person longing to feel safe in a dangerous world. Sometimes, still feeling like that little abused girl with no one to save her. A person who doesn’t fully know who she is because it was never safe to find out. Now it is. She’s progressing from victim to victory, one baby step at a time. I welcome you to join me on this journey.