I had to survive

I have started reading the Pslams a bit more lately and found there is a lot more to my story. I am writing this with a little fear in my heart, but I am not letting fear control me anymore. There was quite a manuscript written once about my married life, my psychologist has it now. She asked me why I stayed. I replied in one word, “FEAR”.

I count myself lucky that I have been able to get a fresh start in life, finding my slate wiped clean in a new life. I truly consider myself lucky; I have met new people who hold nothing against me.

I left a failed marriage behind me; I left a home and all its belongings behind me; a lot of things I cherished over the years. I had to walk away or curl up and die; there was too much life left to do that.

Actually, I kept silent to long during my marriage, that silence was weighing me down so much sometimes I could barely move with problems so heavy on my heart. My vitality was all gone; it had been for many year. I acknowledge I committed sins during my marriage; I had to survive.

Like so many before, I was in love when I married, but I did not realise there were so many controlling things going on in my life as the marriage progressed. I was well and truly sucked in, and did not know it at the time. But life and children change all perspective on life.

“P” was a very controlling person and things had to go his way or not at all. I gave into him far too often and regret it now. He was good at being sulky and would not talk for days on end at times. Making everyone about him feel guilty as though it was their fault not his. The power increased.

Sometimes to save an argument, the ash tray and stubby holder were on the table waiting for him to come home. I know it sounds weak, but when you need to keep a home with children happy you do these things. You never kept him waiting if you were picking him up from work, but it was okay for him to keep you waiting. No matter what you could not win.

I had to do things in the bedroom that I am not proud of. I cannot go there anymore it is too painful. Sometimes he actually made me feel so sick, I almost vomited after sex at times. The things he wanted were that of what you sometimes see in porn movies. Sometimes I would stand outside the bedroom door, or even stayed up so much later than him before I went to bed. Staying up later than him was easy quite often he went to bed drunk. My mind would race sometimes 24/7. For the life of me when we bought a movie projector, the blue movies started coming into the house, then he would start showing them to his friends and the invention of the video recorder, bought more blue movies into the house. An exchange system with mates from work bought more and more into the house. Personal friends of mine started disappearing tenfold. There was no respect for my feelings at all, it was his right.

He got weirder and weirder all the time and the alcohol was taking over. I did not know how to stop him. I wanted to leave but did not know how, and, at that time of life, there was nowhere to go. There was one day when “P” come into me and told me he had had sex with one of my girlfriends who I used to work with. We had two young children in nappies; I was just supposed to accept what he did and carry on as though nothing had happened. I did not know what to do; there was a power he had that commanded his right. I was told it was experimentation.  Nothing was talked about.

I think this was around the time I started drinking, but knew when to stop. I had two young children to care for and love. It is called a mask you put up, so you can hide from reality. I was never an alcoholic. I knew when to stop. I drank to forget, but drinking never solved anything. Life was still there the next day. one foot after another I march through the routine of everyday life hiding behind the 4 walls of my house.

I quite often prayed that he would drink himself silly and go to bed and leave us alone. Yelling and terrifying threats made me a shadow of a person in front of everyone I knew and respected. I actually hope the people who bought my home of old are not haunted by some of the things that went on in that house. I did have a chance, at times, with a bit of passive aggression, I put laxatives in his booze. That felt good. Sometimes I even put paracetamol in his booze that way he would go to bed early. Funny he never picked the laxatives or even the paracetamol.

Something he blocked out of his mind was one time when I was in hospital and I trusted him as a father to care for his daughters properly. Apparently he masturbated in front of one of them; I was not told till years later and never doubted them. When I question him about my illness, he never remembered. But my daughters told exactly of his movement and I knew it was true. They were teenagers at the time of the incident, but adults when I was told. There was not much use of confronting him as it was his word against theirs, and I believe my daughters to this day. My trust in him had completely disappeared; I had wondered why?  Where I went the daughters came with me. They closed doors; they never stayed in the house with him on their own.

He even attempted suicide and to this day blames me for it. I never picked up the scissors to cut his wrists. It was a cry for attention and he got it with the police coming to the house. This was a time where I should’ve taken the chance and had him taken away, but never for the life of me dreamed it would happen to me. I just did not know how to handle it. I called the ambulance, but was told to cancel it, I did, but never knew the police would turn up.

As far as “P” was concerned everything that went on in the house was his right. He earned the money leaving me with no rights at all. The pressure of life never let all the juices of my life dried up. There were happy times but they were few and far between. I always knew the circle of trouble would rear it’s ugly head in a couple of days regularly.

To try to put over 3 decades into words is a challenge, almost impossible there was just so much that happened. I put it all down once before and I don’t think I can do it again, but I am going to give it a good shot. I think after 5 posts about my life I would have covered it all, truthfully I have not. I just have to be careful not to repeat myself.

Sometimes a flood gate of tears would open up day after day while he was at work, the times I cried on my neighbours shoulder could not be counted. Gradually there become no hiding place for me; sometimes I used to cry in the toilet and pretend to be sitting. Now I can hear people reading this saying, “Why?” It became harder and harder as the years went on. I believed I was too old to start again, until I did walk. Now that I have started again it gets easier day by day.

I can associate with some much of what is written on Deliberate Donkey and yet when you are going through it all, you believe you are the only one out there going through it all. I was listen to Joyce Meyers the other day describe her father, that was my life as an Adult, my bruises a lot of them were on the inside. There were threats, and hits. For almost every day I was married when you are called, stupid, as useless as a c**** full of cold water, or f*****ing useless you believe it. It gets harder and harder to escape, but now as days go by life is so much better. There was nowhere to turn now I have a clean slate and I am happy living with my dogs on my own.

Something I have grown to believe is, and I knew it a long time ago but never admitted it, while he never asks for help or salvation he will die a bitter man. Now karma has come around and bit the donkey on his tail. I have since heard he has been removed from a Salvation Army home for being too messy and had to find other accommodations. I don’t know where and don’t care. Better than any court case or arrest can do or any charges laid.

I on the other hand have had help and now my heart is lighter and I walk tall. My children are happy in their lives too.

Guest AuthorAnonymous writer sharing a story of abuse, escape, and/or recovery.

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26 comments

  1. I am happy you escaped. I’ve read several of Joyce Meyer’s books. Best of luck in your new life without violence. WordPress is a wonderful source for support and compassion.

    1. I am doing well in a new life and enjoying life for the first time in many years

  2. I’m truly sorry for what you went through, but elated that you have escaped. I hope this finds you recovering and doing well. Thank you for sharing your story. xo

    1. I am doing well and enjoying life for the first time in many years. It been hard work and writing everything out has been a great release

      1. that’s a wonderful gift to enjoy life!! good for you for finding the courage to write about it! i’m so happy for you! xo

        1. Sometimes things get tough but you work through them and I get on with it. The past is behind me now. Each day is a new day and enjoy them all.

          1. I wish I could just put the past behind me. I wish it were that simple for me. xo

            1. It hard I know, everyone deals with things differently. I had to my family were all grown up and had moved on. There was only me and I had to make a decision either curl up and die or live. It was late in life for me and so much of my Adult life was taken from me, I was not going to let the rest be taken from me. I just want to live now, I was 57 when I walked out with the 2 dogs and the clothes on my back to start afresh, I am 60 now and I feel like 40 again. There is more about me on my blog, that post I could not put on there please feel free to check it out. I am only to will to help

              1. What a courageous lady you are! I’m almost 43 and I feel my age…lol I will check out your blog. xo

  3. Heartbreaking to read. It is absolutely amazing the transformation you have made from such a dark place in your life. You should be so proud of yourself as I am sure your children are of you and anyone else who knows of everything you have overcome. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us.

    1. Hey! thank you it was a story that needed to be told it fits in with everything on my blog. It was a post I could not put over there, to many people that know there way around a computer would figure it out. It has been hard work to get where I am and to be able to do what I am doing now and finding what is right for me. It has taken me just over the three years to be able to write about my life and not have any dreams about it, I am glad I have done it. I did so much in a hurry in the first 12 months while waiting for my divorce and when I settled here now I just want to take my time and make sound decissions

  4. My dear–I must echo what has been said by some others here. I am glad you got on with your life but saddened by your experience. It seems many of us who pop in here regularly have been married to at least some portions of the same man…

    1. Oh! definitely when I first settled here my head was in a whirl and I could’ve quite easily given up and died. But not now I have found life and there would be many more women that come after me that go through the same as us all. While I was going to counselling and waiting for my divorce I me a lady that stayed 48 yrs with DV and I thought I held the record with 35 yrs.. There is more of my story on my blog.

  5. Thank you so much for your courage in sharing this, I can relate to so many phrases you’ve used like “lost vitality” and to stay would mean curling up and dying. That’s EXACTLY where I am right now, I’m in process getting out…but I cannot blog about the details because ‘he’ reads it and I need to stay safe until I escape!

    1. Keep safe my friend, believe me I tried many times to leave, I am only sorry I did not get to this before. Please read my blog on “My un-puzzled heart” my journey is there in about 7 parts. http://barbmca.wordpress.com it included my whole journey. If you need to talk I can give you one of my emails, I will listen. It has taken me just over 3 yrs to be able to write my whole story and there is still more to it. I was trying to write many times before I left my marriage but I could not he just terrified me, yet I knew I was writing the truth. Take care

    2. Resilient Heart,
      If you’re interested in sharing your story in a safe, “him”-free environment, you are welcome to share here. You can do it under your own WP account, or use the anonymous account I have set up. Bee elected to share under the anonymous account and answer comments as herself. Others have shared anonymously and answered comments anonymously.
      Read the page “Opening The Closed Door” for specifics.
      Melanie

      1. Bless your heart, thank you so much for sharing this, I will definitely be thinking about it. Hugs & healing.

        1. If you ever feel ready, we’re here to read and support you.

          1. Thank you, I appreciate that so much. Hugs. 🙂

  6. Thank you for sharing this. You are stronger than you know.

    1. I checked out your blog, No-one knows what it is like to be married or live with an alcoholic unless they have it is like living with a time bomb just waiting for it to go off and when it does it goes of with a bang. Take care, if you want to write to me I will listen.

      1. Thank you for dropping by my blog, Bee. Yes, living with an alcoholic is to embark on an eternal gamble. After a while, you just burn out, I suppose. At the moment, he’s in recovery. But that time when all was suspicion and lies was really not that far back: http://wp.me/p2lU4R-2d
        Take care

  7. Thank you Bee for sharing your story with me, I’m going to respond with mine, it will have a lot of detail even though it will still be condensed, I will seek to be just as open as you were Bee, I hope it helps you to understand why I give heartfelt thanks to God continually for His, Love, Mercy and Grace both of us should of lost it but God is Love and had compassion on us and many, many others who have walked the same road.

    I too had a bad first marriage and yes my husband was very spiritually sick also just like your P…. was, 3 days after we were married and I was almost over 5 mths pregnant , he bashed me, I’m not sure if that is what caused my baby girl to be stillborn, I never knew, like the other 5 I had to him but my first baby to someone else, I aborted before I was 15 because of being pressured and because I was too frightened to tell my Mum, I may have been damaged physically by the abortion but all 7 babies are in Heaven and have only known Joy, which I give great thanks for.

    My husband was very violent and sexually sick, he almost killed me a few times when raping and choking me, this use to turn him on, his language was bad too. One pregnancy, I spent in hospital from 3 mths they were trying to save her, my first husband was barred from because he bashed me in there. He also gave me a venereal disease with one of my pregnacies , after 8 years I developed psychosomatic illnesses because of fear.

    I was too scared to tell anyone including my Mum, I made excuses for the bruises but a Doctor saw the belt marks on my back, he said if I didn’t leave my husband he would kill me , but my first husband got another woman pregnant and said if the baby was born alive he would leave me and marry her, I left him. Was I the perfect wife, no I was just as mixed up as my first husband was and we both had no faith to hold onto, he had a very bad childhood like I did (see link below ) he was tortured by an alcoholic father, who was also abused by his father and so on.

    Blog Link – http://freedomborn.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/the-early-years-a-little-lost-girl/

    When I became a Christian Bee after True heart repentance, I asked God to help me heal and then in my heart I knew I needed to forgive my first husband and all the others who had hurt me, I don’t know their backgrounds or why they did but I do my husband , so I never hated him, I had compassion for him and still do but I had to forgive him for the abuse and years later I asked him to forgive me for not always being there for him or meeting his needs and no longer did the scars worry me, I still remember but without pain, fear or guilt.

    I haven’t shared about my first husband on my Blog or an ywhere else till now, I knew there would come a time when I would feel the need to, this is same with other things I have not yet shared, I wanted you to know Bee that I understand and have great compassion for you as God has , when you choose to forgive your husband and God will empower you to do this, you will be free to live in deep inner Joy.

    Please feel free to contact me Bee by e-mail if needed.

    Christian Love from us both – Anne

    1. Anne,

      If you are interested in sharing your story here, please email me at tending.weeds@gmail.com. This is a safe space, and offers many the opportunity to “practice” telling their abuse story before they take it to their own blog.

      Melanie

    2. Sorry it has taken me days to get back to you, I have been busy getting ready for an inspection. The result now of living in a rental accommodation. Wow what an amazing story, we are all survivors. Part of me now can forgive him, but I will never forget, the memory is always there but it is fading now..You have an amazing story of survival. I am deeply honoured that you shared your story with me.

  8. Thank you Melanie, I’m on my way to Sydney, my Mum has had a strok, I will be in touch when I get back.

    Christian Love – Anne

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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