The King of The Four-Letter Words

Time is the king of the four-letter words. Time, the ribbon at the end of the race we will never finish.

Time Changes Everything by Thomas Hawk (CC BY-NC 2.0)

Three years’ Time has passed since I last locked the door to our marital home. Home. It was hardly a home. A cardboard constructed set, all pretty and done up on the outside and splintered boards on the inside.

Door locked. Life left. Fear packed in with toys, blankies and jammies, and a single thread of self, knotted and pocketed for the unknown, unforeseeable horrors that awaited me after the bruises and bones healed.

Two years of divorce, and one of recovery. Two years of children, and one of emptiness. It’s been a long and sick and hard and tear-wrought three years.

I left what I had called home for only a few months. Florida has no jurisdiction right now, the lawyers told me. Leave while you still can, they said. He moved us a lot. I left Florida before the six month expiration date, and I left him. It took two days to make the drive. We spent one night at my parents house, and then my children and I moved into a domestic violence shelter.

On 10 August 2010 we became shelter residents. We stayed until 24 September 2010 when we moved in with my sister and her family.

By the end of October 2010 I was employed. In March 2011 the kids and I moved into our very own home. It was an old, little rental with a big backyard, families for neighbors, and a leaky back door. We were down the street from an elementary school, the school I’d hoped to walk my daughter to for her first day of kindergarten.

There we lived, happily, until April 2012 when I was given one last month of motherhood before being forced at the threat of jail to turn over everyday life to Donkey. To say that anger moved in and replaced the children is to minimize the absolute devastation. Pain was my best friend. Sleep, a companion of suffering. Anger, hate, and vile and contemptuous thoughts ruled my day dreams and nightmares.

But though I would gladly kick Time in the nuts, it has fulfilled its promise of better days. I am ok now, yes, just ok, but I’m getting better. Life is less vicious. It has been put into submission by Time, for now.

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27 comments

  1. Le Clown · · Reply

    Melanie,
    We’ve been really close for the past few weeks, I have have built a solid friendship with you. We’ve talked a great deal about this, and still today, I have no words. This is a hard weekend ahead for you. I wish you peace and strength. And of course, my friendship. Best of luck.
    Le Clown

    1. Thank you.
      Our friendship is a good one, and one I am thankful to have. This is a hard weekend, and knowing I have who I have to lean on is what is getting me through.

  2. I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through, recently and not. Isn’t it strange how Time both hurts and heals?

    1. Thank you.
      Time is an oxymoron, isn’t it. It’s slow and fast. It hurts and heals. It’s bittersweet.

  3. I am absolutely astounded at the amount of peace and fortitude in this post. You are an amazing person, and I hope Time continues to treat you gently.

    1. The peace and fortitude has been hard fought, and still fighting. Sometimes I live vicariously through my kids’ epic tantrums because I so very much just want to scream and cry exactly as loud as they are.

  4. We are meeting for the first TIME! All I can say is, God alone can heal your heart and show you real love.

    1. Thank you for coming in and reading. Thank you.

  5. Wow, I am inspired at the peace you are speaking in this post. I am so very glad I found you in this “cyber-world” I am hoping that I can help you in your journey in any way possible. We survivors need to stick together!

    1. Finding WordPress (actually, it was recommended to me) has been a wonderful help. There is so much support here, and I can rely on it when I need it and give it when I don’t.

  6. Some days, okay is the best it gets. My heart breaks for you. I am here sending positive thoughts to help you make it through.

    1. Thank you so much for your positive thoughts. I will make it through. I know I am not alone, and this time I have things waiting in the wings to occupy my time and bring a bit of happiness to the emptiness.

      1. 🙂 I am currently working on my post, but was going to let you know that I was never able to get through on that link you emailed me.

        1. Ugh. I’m sorry. I’ll try again tonight after the kids go to bed.
          Thank you for writing!

          1. It’s all good!! Enjoy your time with the kids!! I have a few days before it has to be done! lol

  7. Three years is quite an accomplishment. believe me, with every year, it gets easier even if it never does go away entirely. Congrats on your freedom.

    1. Thanks! I believe, and I see it, so that helps. Last summer I couldn’t do it and had my parents make the drive. This year I’m going. That’s a big difference.

      1. Baby steps, Melanie. 🙂

  8. Hugs and support Mel! xo

  9. I am familiar with this struggle Melanie, and I’ve been following your story. I am so very sorry that you have to go through this. I’m glad you are managing to pick out a way to more peace in the midst of the firefight. I couldn’t wish any harder for you and your children to be together and safe. I can only say for now that I will be one more person sending out thoughts and prayers to the powers that be for your wishes to finally come true. Take good care.

  10. And three years of being an inspiration to so many. I am thinking of you this weekend. He may have the children physically , but you have their hearts and a summer filled with wonderful memories.

  11. How sad and unfair! Many hugs and good wishes!!

    1. It is unfair. It is sad and hard. Thank you.
      You have a little bit of time in your bucket now, how are you doing?

  12. It’s so, so awful. So unfair. So mind-boggling.

    1. That is exactly what it all is. “Life isn’t fair” doesn’t cover this one.

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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