Speak Up!

I’d first like to say thank you to Melanie!  I’d also like to express my story. I’d like to share a little about me. Also a little about what I felt convicted to write about.

As a girl in her twenties still somewhat naive to the cruel world. I fell madly for my best friend of 8 years. He was charming sweet and funny. He was everything I didn’t think I wanted yet everything my heart fell madly for. Full force I fell in love with Andrew giving all of my heart. I never questioned it. Which was something of the strange for me being I’m more the anti-relationship girl. I trusted him believed in him loved him. His sweet “baby I love you” and promises of a sweet loving life together seemed perfect. I fell without hesitation and without a guard for him. Believing he was my forever. I was blissfully happy and believed whatever he told me.

The truth
It’s wasn’t till it was over did I really start to realize just how unhealthy our relationship was. I was blinded by love I became  as irrational as he was. His borderline narcissist personality was so overbearing. He controlled so much of my life and yet I really didn’t realize it then. Now I realize just how bad it was. It was constant fights I was always getting yelled at for stuff. Apparently calling him things I never did. He would just go off over nothing accusing me of stuff I never did. I was always in the wrong. We would fight in the car he would drive as fast as he could I would plea for my life and his. This was and reoccurring event in our life. He never trusted me because he was never faithful. I never thought it was that bad I always thought he loved me because he never raised a hand to me. That would change.

Excuses.
I made a billion. Everything he did I had and excuse for. He didn’t mean to he loves me he’s just having a bad day. The endless irrational excuses I could come up with for him are crazy. I loved him thought I was a fool for his love. Blinded by it.

The first time.
The first time he was drinking he hit me with a bat, shattered glass everywhere. I picked glass out of my skin for a week. I was covered in bruises and couldn’t even walk. His uncontrolled temper cost me a hairline fracture to my hip bone and some swelling on my spleen. Also multiple cuts and bruised ribs. Basically I spent a month just sleeping on the couch in constant pain. I didn’t tell the police or the doctors what really happened. I protected him. I made excuses. He flipped it on me though somehow it was my fault once again.

Forgiveness
After weeks of persistent calls texts. I caved my words were I may forgive but I can’t forget. He swore it was a onetime thing. He would not drink again. You know I believed him. I trusted this man. I loved him. He was supposed to keep me safe. I truly believed he would always keep me safe. I thought because I loved him so and would never inflict harm on him he would be the same way. After 8 Years you think you know someone.

Wrong,
I was wrong about him. He always called me his “pretty little china doll” “my girlfriend she’s my gorgeous porcelain doll.” He wanted the pretty little doll to control to “own” not to really love. He was incapable of loving anyone but him. His promise to keep me safe was just the opposite.

Deadly.
A 30 second phone call turned him into a monster. A monster I never seen before nor do I ever want to again. He raged that night and I saw nothing but evil in his eyes. Slamming me choking me as I pleaded for my life as he smiled and squeezed harder. Every-time I broke free he would do it again. Slamming me down taking his knees into my stomach and both hands crushing my throat. Praying to God begging for life as life went dark. Hearing him say. “oh shit I think I killed her.” He stopped strangling me but the hitting didn’t. I tried to call 911 and that failed. I tried to run that got me slammed against the wall. Being knocked so hard blood filling my mouth. The clock of a gun still burns in my ears to this day. His horrific words still burn in my ears. Being drug to the bed. Still haunts me to this day. He Violated ever single piece of me. All because he “owned me” “I was his” he felt justified. He felt superior to him he couldn’t have been more pleased. Which disturbs me even more. That night he literally did this till the sun came up and the I finally passed out. I couldn’t fight anymore. I was covered in pains my head was hurting so bad I just couldn’t. His last remark of “I don’t want to be fucking a corpse now.” burns me. It was a horror movie that wouldn’t stop.

Help
Two days later he went to work. I took a taxi to the emergency room. The cops were called. I told them as much as I could remember my head still jumbled still so scared. He tried to show up at the ER and called. He was mad. I was scared and alone. But I Also refused unlike the rest of the time to let him win.

Speak UP
Sitting in the hospital room. Scared and feeling ashamed alone. I choose to SPEAK UP I was tired of him running my life. Was tired of the excuses. This time what he did wasn’t okay. I wanted him to know he couldn’t just damage me and get away with it that I was worth something! I meant something and I am a WARRIOR I will Fight back!

Reality
This process has been one of the most devastating things in my life. There have been days where I haven’t known how I’m going to get out of bed. To where I’m just to broken to face the day. It changes you it changes everything. It places a whole new fear on everything you do. I now have a 100 new fears. I’m a changed person because of this. I’m wiser.

Change,
I also see the Change that needs to be made when it comes to Domestic Violence laws.
Also Domestic Violence help and outreach I see the change that needs to be made there. Though I may be one person I want to make a Change.
I now see how unfair and unjust the justice system is to violent predators how they can get away with so much.He got away with so much. The justice system Isn’t the best with the laws they need to be stricter. That way violent predators will get what they deserve. How the victims Rights isn’t instilled like it should be. How so much falls through the cracks and when that does innocent lives are put in danger. Their needs to be a change so more lives don’t become damaged because of the evil of some. Domestic Violence laws for Children and women need to change! This is something I choose to SPEAK UP about and will find a way to be that change!

About The Author

WarriorLI’m just a girl in her twenties trying to figure out the world.
I’m a psychology major. Also worked in the counseling field never in my life did I imagine What I worked with would now haunt me. I was naive. I was young and dumb and a tad ignorant thinking I was bulletproof. It’s and overwhelming amount of emotions to be in and abusive relationship and NOONE ever thinks it will be them. It can happen to anyone. Recovery takes awhile Trauma is real it’s devastating it takes time.

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13 comments

  1. What an incredible post. Your words so touched me today. Keep writing and keep sharing- please.

    1. Thank you so much! Glad it did. I just wrote what I felt in my heart needed to be said. In this horrible journey I realize how important it is to share my story and to speak up. That I have a voice and how many others there are like me. Because going threw it I thought I was the only one. I see so much I want to help with! Thank you for the amazing feed back it meant so much to me!! Put the biggest smile on my face! I wish you nothing but the best! Prayers and love!!
      Always,
      L

  2. You are a brave warrior! Congrats, blessings, and encouragement to you, my dear! May you have the beautiful life you deserve!!!

    1. Thank you so much! Your words are so sweet! Same to you! Prayers and love be with you!
      Always,
      L

  3. I’m so so sorry that he hurt you. You didn’t deserve it and it wasn’t your fault. What a brave lady to speak up about this even at the hospital that day. Did he get arrested? I hope there was some justice for you. I’m sorry for the battle you also have ahead of you, but I hope you know, you’re not alone. xo

    1. Thank you! He did get arrested and into a little bit of trouble not much though.I try to just stay clear. I got my protection order that mandates he stays clear of me and contact stops. Or if he doesn’t then I have the right to call the cops and he can get into some serious trouble.
      Speaking up at the hospital that day was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I felt just as scared as I did that night. I felt like no matter how safe I was in that ER even with cops present I would never be safe. I knew he would find out and flip out on me. His wrath is something I will always fear it’s the devil I swear. Its the wrath of pure evil and I was so scared of what he would do. I wanted to protect him but mainly my life. The life I knew. I knew speaking up would change everything I once knew. I also knew he had already done that. I sitting there looking at all the bruises and barley able to talk because my throat was so badly damaged. His hand prints bruised around my neck I realized I had to because next time I won’t make it.

      This whole process has changed me. I’m still trying to recover. It’s only been three veery long months but i’m getting by slowly but surely.
      Thank you for your kind words! Love and Prayers!
      Always,
      L

      1. Oh my goodness what strenght you have. I didn’t know it’s only been three months for you too. How are you doing writing all this out, that I know can be really painfu. I understand too the fearful rage it’s horrible. If you ever need to talk or anything my email is tellsafe at hotmail dot com xo

        1. Writing is like a huge therapy for me. Since about three days after it happened I just wrote. I’m not good with talking about it but I can write about it. So I write about it to help me heal. Theres days I feel like it’s been so much longer but then i realize that July 31st was only 3 months ago. Its such and emotional roller coaster. I sent you a email by the way! Prayers and love!
          Always,
          L

          1. Writing is the best!! Keep going as much as you need! I’ll check for the email! Love to you xo

  4. Thank you so much for speaking up. Only 3 months? You are a brave and wonderful woman. Thank you so much for sharing your story, You bring strength and courage to many who are in the same or similar situations. I know it may seem had at times (unfortunately, I have been there as well) but it is all worth it. You are worth it. Thanks again!

    1. Thank you for you sweet words! Knowing someone else can relate is so nice! Going threw this you feel like your all alone.It’s so hard and devastating it’s been the longest three months and I will always remember July 31st that date is burned into my memory.It’s a day I wish i could redo and forget a million times over. It’s such a horrible thing. Thank you such much for your sweet reply and i’m so sorry you have had to go threw this as well! My prayers are with you!
      Always,
      L

  5. I know this isn’t the point of your brave and revealing post regarding the warning signs of an abusive relationship, but given the chance I would enjoy introducing him to my own baseball bat. It’s the World Series, after all…

    Kudos and my best wishes for you, and a life absent of abuse.

    1. Thank you lol! As much as a real life Carrie Underwood song come true sounds fun. I’d be no better then him. I have put all my energy in hoping the DA and justice system does their job right. Also hoping God does as well. He can do way better then i can any day. I don’t wish ill will I just wish he has to have repercussions for his actions. Which the Bible says thats okay. lol
      Thanks again best wishes love and prayers
      Always,
      L

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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