The Letter I Wouldn’t Have Read Either

To Donkey’s New Girlfriend:

So I see you’re FaceBook official. I’ve heard you’ve spent the night in his home, with the children present. It must be serious. It’s time, then, for us to have a little chat.

I know what you are going to suffer. You’ve waded into the water and found it pleasant, tepid, refreshing. You’ll walk deeper and deeper until you can no longer touch bottom or see the shore. You will trust the water to float you. Lurking underneath is the rip tide. It will snatch you. Pull you under. Drown you.

I know what you are going to suffer, but I cannot warn you. You won’t hear the warning, even blasting at full volume with closed-captioning. I know because I was warned. I threw those warnings to the side. I ignored the red flags. I ventured forward with a man who was not who he presented. So did Sarah. So did Leigh. As will you.

I know what you are going to suffer, and it won’t be pretty. You will lose your voice, your autonomy, your friends and family, and your life.  You may even actually lose your life. A rage cannot be stopped with tears, with begging, with apologies, with broken doorways or broken bones. A rage cannot be stopped.

I suffered degradation, humiliation, and manipulation. I suffered when he yelled, when he lied, when he was silent. I suffered when he threw objects at me – remotes, books, chairs. I suffered when he threw me – into the wall, through a door, out of his heart.

I know what you are going to suffer. In a couple of years, so will you. By then the damage will be nearly irreversible. By then the regret will hold you to the past. By then the pain will be unbearable. By then your mind, your body, and your well-being will unrecognizable.

I know what you are going to suffer – fear. It’s the fear, all real, but not tangible. Accusations will accrue. Disrespect is denounced and doubles with each deficiency.

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us - Robert D Hare, PhD See also, "Looking for the Moral in the not-so-fabulous Fable" by Katalina

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us – Robert D Hare, PhD
See also, “Looking for the Moral in the not-so-fabulous Fable” by Katalina

He probably seems quite the catch. He’s ten years your senior, established. He has a Master Degree. He works out, and tans. He says he’s well employed, and spends money like he is. He wears an expensive watch, and labeled clothes. He regales you with tales of adventures past, and evokes your empathy with tales of scorns past.

He probably seems quite the catch. You have become the center of his world. You are his soul-mate. The one who understands him like no on else ever has. He is devoted to how good you are for him. You are his perfect match. You complete him.

He probably seems quite the catch. He goes out of his way to spend time with you. He wants to go to the store with you. To the beach with you. To Disney with you. He is there, with you, always. You are his fresh air. He is there for every free moment. Always there. Always.

He probably seems quite the catch. He is a full-time father, and you a full-time mother, and he seems to understand the trials of doing twice the work with half the recognition. He praises you for surviving single-parenthood for so long all on your own. There is condensation in his compliment, contriving captivity.

He is no catch. He is no man. He plays the victim of a vindictive ex-wife who tried to take his children and run away. Did he tell you I accused him of violent abuse. Did he tell you he did it? Did he tell you I deserved it? Do you know you will too?

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us - Robert D Hare, PhD

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us – Robert D Hare, PhD

It’s not all bad. There will be moments when he will return to the kindness he relied on to tempt you, to take you. He will apologize, beg your forgiveness. He never wanted to do that again. He only wanted your complete devotion. Complete. Devotion.

It’s not all bad. Your demise will serve me well. When you see the light, and you will, and run, and you will, your accusations of abuse will corroborate mine. Perhaps you will not repeat my mistakes, and actually call the police when he attacks you. That police report will serve me well. It will serve you well too. You’ll need that for the order of protection.

It’s not all bad. He who doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.

Sincerely,
Donkey’s Ex-Victim
Current Survivor

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103 comments

  1. Maybe they are just alike, and she is the perfect match Did you send it?

    1. Maybe, but I highly doubt it. And, no, I didn’t send it. I don’t plan to.

  2. I’m speechless, that’s so good!

    1. Thank you! I’ve been working on this for four days. I’m glad it came out well written.

      1. Wow, that must have been somewhat hard for you.

        1. It was because I didn’t want it to be ordinary or lack power. This was for me more than for her. As much as any of us would like to save her the pain, it’s not possible. We have hindsight and, unfortunately, experience that, unless she’s also already learned the hard way from a past relationship, she does not.

          1. I hope in some way although draining, it helped you too! No we can’t save them, as we both know the narcissists are lying charmers.

            Man what he put you through is so horrible! I hate that he did that to you. I hope you remember it’s not your fault! xo

            1. It’s not my fault, but I didn’t listen to myself when I knew he wasn’t “husband material”. I’ve learned, the hard way, and it won’t happen to me ever again.

              1. When you love someone, it’s very hard to believe. You did eventually and got out, that takes a strong woman. xo

                1. I never even loved him. I got trapped and couldn’t get out. Then I got pregnant and stopped trying to break free from his grip…until I nearly suffocated from it.

                  1. He is a piece of work. Not easy to escape. xo

                    1. No, he wasn’t. That’s why I had to go the first time he left me “unsupervised”.

                    2. I’m so glad you did, ugh “unsupervised” that’s just brutal, he’s the one who needs supervising!

                    3. Yes he does-by a prison guard.

                    4. Now we’re talking!

                  2. prayingforoneday · · Reply

                    Melanie.
                    Your story is almost the same as my moms, she got pregnant at 15 andd stayed for me. She took the beatings and worse and gave up trying to leave and accepted her life. When I left home, she left my Dad the next day. We talk about it often my mom and me and she said “I took it just in-case you or your brother and sisters has to take it” My Mum is a very strong woman now. This was 20 years ago now. She is married, she had my Little Sister and she is in REAL LOVE now. So I don’t know if you found love, but know it is there and I pray you find it. You deserve it for what you went through. I re-blogged this because it took my mind back to a time 20/30 years ago.
                    Know you are not alone, the comments left here speak volumes for Word Press and your heart and loving ways.
                    Hugs
                    Shaun

                    1. I’m glad you’re mom left him. It’s terrible that she felt she had to stay. I hear that from so many women – they stay because they don’t want what happened to me to happen to them, that is, to lose their children to the very man they were trying to save them from in the first place. It’s unfortunate, and it happens to too many people, that the abuser gets the kids.

                    2. prayingforoneday · ·

                      I know, I was that kid..
                      I could write a book Mel. Really. http://prayingforoneday.wordpress.com/2013/04/29/growing-up-with-a-criminal-family/ Was the best I could do.
                      The demons still stalk me and talk to me, but my will is strong now. I didn’t think at the time my Mum and Dad would ever be happy, now both of them are, and I love them both and speak to them both. People ask me often “How can you speak to your Dad” I am like “It was 25 years ago, he fosters kids now, he does are, he is 67 years old, he is not that man anymore”

                      Give anything enough time, and a Happy ending is there. You just have to believe there will be a happy ending. For my Family, we had several events that tore us to bits, not all criminal stuff, cancer and worse. We are all close again now. My Mum and Dad both remarried and I have a little sister who blogs here: http://firsttimefreedom.wordpress.com/ She is an amazing young girl. She did a blog a few down called “Brothers and Sisters” was about me.

                      I thought I would share a happy ending with you, they do happen pal.

                      x

                    3. Thank you for sharing your happy ending. It matters. That happiness exists after such pain is uplifting.

                    4. prayingforoneday · ·

                      It does. Don’t give in, don’t be alone. It will happen, you have to believe it. I find the more we look for , something the bigger the chance of us finding the wrong person or making bad choices happens (We all do Mel x)
                      He will just appear like a Sunny day one day in your life. The way I look at relationships is, if I was single, I wouldn’t go near a woman with a child (Just my choice) She may be single because she was the bad person. I wouldn’t pick a woman up from the town who gave out on the 1st night, who else does she give out to on the 1st night. I believe its not how we look, its where we look. Just my opinions pal…
                      I hope you are ok, and again, need an ear, or a shoulder, or just a chat, my contact details are above. I am THOUSANDS of miles away and happily married, you are good

                      xx lol xx
                      I hope I at least made you smile. I do hate seeing woman unhappy or telling stories like this. You should know why if you read my blog..
                      I will believe for you also..I want you to be happy and have the life you deserve .
                      x

  3. theschmoopiechronicle · · Reply

    Been there. Done that. It truly is such a tragedy that the warning labels peel so easily . And,after time the chaos that is now your life is so ” normal” that you don’t see how dysfunctional you have become. Run, run , run !!!!! Because if you turn back, you’ll sure be dead, at least spiritually, mentally, and emotionally . I send you peace and love to mend you in time. (With love from someone who understands !)

    1. Those warning labels should be permanent. It’s too bad these monsters can’t be tattooed with the label (like in The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo).
      If the new girlfriend listens to her gut, she’ll be able to save herself. If she ignores it like I did, then she’s in for a real hell. The damage these abusers can do doesn’t take nearly as much time as the healing from it.

      1. theschmoopiechronicle · · Reply

        You are right! I ignored them as well. He placed a fear in me that I didn’t even know resided there. And til this day I follow my gut and, unfortunately, I let my fear flow, too!
        There’s no price you can pay for the reversal of this.
        It sucks !
        But, now that you tried to warn, you’ll have to let it be.
        If its your will, you’ll pay for it.
        If its Gods will, God will pay for it.

        He lives his own hell on earth.
        Could you imagine if you had to live with being him inside of his shell ?
        Thank God you got away .

        Much love.

        1. I do thank God I got away. Even if someone had warned me, I wouldn’t have known what they were talking about. Now I do, and I can avoid his kind in the future.
          I can’t imagine what it’s like to be him. It must be so lonely and terrible, but, then again, he does think he’s superior to everyone, so maybe to him it’s not so bad being him – until this next woman also leaves him for being the jerk he is, but then he’ll blame her for being weak and stupid and not his fault for being an abusive jerk.
          These abusers are just so awful.
          Much love to you. I’m sorry you know this type of pain and recovery too.

  4. Amazing, and so true it makes my skin crawl. No, she will not listen but yes, she has been warned.

    1. It’s the sad reality that he’ll be able to blind her to the truth about him so that she can’t hear.

  5. Are you my mother? Cause you just described my father.

    1. Isn’t it creepy how easy it is to describe every abuser just by describing one? They are all so alike, cut from the same mold, and yet they each believe they are unique and superior to all other beings.
      I’m hoping it’s knowing that that will save me from ending up with another donkey when I am ready and do start dating again.

  6. Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
    Every woman should read this.

  7. merbear beat me to the comment “every women should read this” so I will just agree and say “every woman should read this”
    There are truly ,beautiful men in the world and there are the other kind. The other kind are in the minority but the damage they do…. Be alert young women and don’t ever blame yourself. Love yourself.

    1. Thank you for seconding Merbear.
      There really are good men, and there really are more of the good than the bad, and it really is terrible that the bad do such a disservice to the good.

  8. Hear! Hear! 🙂

  9. Honestly, every time I read your posts it is like I am reading about my ex husband! Brilliantly written.

    1. That’s what makes these guys so easy to spot, once you’ve suffered from one – they’re all the same.
      Thank you for the compliment. I worked on this one for several days to make it specific to Donkey, and general to all abusers. I’m glad to hear I pulled it off.

  10. Oh, this hit home big time. After I left Monster #2, I warned all of my friends, showed them police reports and restraining orders and my bruises and broken teeth. I warned them all only to hear that not a year later, Monster 2 was getting married to one of the women I warned.

    It sucks that what you went through will happen to others and there’s nothing at all you can do about it.

    1. What sucks about him dating is that he is simply torturing another woman. Part of me is glad he’s got someone else so he’ll leave me alone, but part of me pitys her and wishes she would just smarten up and run.

      1. Yeah, I know the feeling. Some lessons are only learned first hand though.

        1. Unfortunately true. I wouldn’t have known any better to listen had anyone tried to warn me. I only understand now because I’ve learned, the hard way.

          1. Yup. If someone had sat me down and warned me, I might not have listened either.

  11. Yah. Thanks for posting the pingback, it was good to read this. Wonderful writing, and nice description of the illusion, the mask…unfortunately, I know exactly what you are talking about… Kat

    1. You’re welcome. Your piece seemed fitting, as did the quote.
      Unfortunately too many of us know this kind of person all too well. I’m saddened every time I hear someone tell me they know what I am talking about, and comforted too that I am not in this survival/recovery alone.
      Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to comment.

  12. I hope that, while you’re not sending it to Donkey’s new victim, that other women who are in relationships which are starting to become uncomfortable will recognise the signs and get themselves to safety because of your letter and your experience.
    *sends love*

    1. I’ve debated on sending it to her. Because our kids were in preschool together, I have her email, but I know it would only cause us both grief – Donkey would unleash fury on me and deepen his deception with her. I do hope this letter does reach someone who needs to read it, be it his new girlfriend, or any girlfriend of an abuser.

      1. It’s probably better for all concerned just now for you to keep clear. It’s a pity you can’t send her a letter saying “you know where I am if you want to know my side of the story because I know Donkey will have obviously only told you his point of view, but if you know my point of view as well, then you would be able to decide the truth for yourself.” But I’m guessing he’d find out and accuse you of trying to “poison” her and it would be messier than it already is.

        1. Unfortunately, I probably should stay clear. He will find out I’ve tried to “poison” her because she’s likely to tell him, naively, and the two of them will have a good laugh at how crazy I am. Time will take care of things as only time can do.

  13. you’re an amazing writer! I can’t wait for the day you don’t have to deal with this any longer.

    1. Thank you, Catalina.
      I can’t wait for that day either. If all goes well, I’ll be free from him once and for all in about 15 years when my youngest graduates high school.
      I appreciate the compliment. Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave a comment.

  14. Oh hun. HUGS. Sadly, I don’t think she would listen. She’d say it would never happen to her. He loves her. He would never treat her bad. You must be wrong. She doesn’t see any of how he was, just the monster he has described to her that you are.
    I hate men like that and woman who are naive who thinks that they’re the ones who will be able to cure men like that, or even better, that you provoced them.

    1. I don’t think she’ll listen either. I didn’t when my friends tried to tell me he wasn’t a good guy. Even if one of his ex’s had tried to warn me, I wouldn’t have understood what they were saying.
      You’re right that she can only see the illusion he is presenting, and likely believes him that I am a crazy fucking bitch who wronged him for no reason. Unfortunately these monsters are left to roam free and take victim after victim. Anyone who has experienced his type wouldn’t stay around long enough to be a victim. It’s the ones who don’t know what he is that are so vulnerable.

      1. I hear you. Sadly, she might be one of the ones that will have to learn the hard way. I didn’t have anyone to warn me for either of my horrible experiences, I wish I had. Learning the hard way is awful. Complications come from it. I wish her well, as I would not wish that on anyone.

        1. The complications are not worth the temporary joy in the first months of a relationship with these monsters. I hope she survives better than I did.

          1. Hopefully. But one never knows. Maybe she;ll wise up and give him hell… Oh a song for my post!

            1. Maybe she will. Maybe the distance (she’s still in Palm Coast and he’s in Orlando) will be a saving grace for her. Or maybe she’ll move in with him this summer and be doomed. Time will tell, and heal all wounds.

              1. As your wounds are doing now. 🙂
                Hugs!

                1. Indeed they are. There are scabs where it was once open and infected.

                  1. Good. That is awesome. You’re strong. Just remember that.

                    1. I am working every day to remember that. You are strong too. You remember that as well. And when we feel weak, we have each other and other survivors and supporters to lean on.

                    2. I know. I try to remember but until recently, felt like I was the only one. Believe me when I say I’m so happy I met you. You’re awesome.

                    3. Nope, none of us are alone. But while I’m glad I’m not, I wish I were sometimes because this pain and recovery is awful and no one, no one, should have to suffer this.
                      I am glad we connected too. Yay for WordPress! Bringing people together better than peanut butter and jelly.

                    4. Peanut butter jelly time peanut butter jelly time

                      It is sad knowing that others have gone through like things, but in a way comforting too.

  15. The sad part is that you two will probably become friends later after she realizes what a donkey he is. Then you will show her this letter when it is too late. I can hear the care and concern in your letter, Melanie. That is admirable. {{{hugs]}} Kozo

    1. I fear it is already too late. That’s what bothers me. Not that he’s with someone, but that this someone will lose her happiness for him to gain his. I can’t “save” her anymore than anyone could have saved me. I hope she gets out sooner. I hope she doesn’t suffer as much. I hope her daughter and my children don’t have to witness the destruction and violence.
      Thank you for the hugs. {hugs} back to you.

      1. I truly believe that your letter will send vibrations of wisdom that will help her and others “wise up.” I am starting to realize that our thoughts and feelings sent out to the Universe affect humanity as a whole.
        To tell the truth, your letter and the “psycho in prison” excerpts made me think about how I have treated women in the past. Your words urge me to be a better man and teach other men how to love women. {{{hugs}}} Kozo

        1. I do hope the good vibes do do someone some good. Even if she doesn’t get out, maybe someone else will.
          But even if not, I’m humbled that they have effected you positively. Thank you for sharing that with me.
          {hugs}

  16. prayingforoneday · · Reply

    I thought this was a superb read.
    Men can be w@nkers. My Dad raped and beat my Mum and worse and did worse to other woman.
    I was 7 or 8, and at the time, when I was a kid I always though “Why does the Woman take that” Again, as a kid. As an Adult I see it different. I actually blogged 2 or 3 blogs similar to this.
    What happens is (From my experience) a woman gets hurt and ALL men are w@nkers from that point. The woman can’t trust another man. And I get why. But not all men are W@nkers. Miss Victim will have learnt a lesson from Mr W@nker and the world keeps spinning.
    I had this woman, she was nice and she knew I was married with kids, and she STILL threw herself at me. Could the argument not be in her case (Just her case) she was stupid? Why throw yourself at a married man knowing all that will come is hurt? I know love is in us all my design and its in our DNA, but the signs are always there.
    Turn the coin around, I know Men who have been used by woman, just because no punch was thrown, these Men hurt. Men hurt also. Woman use men also. I think this is THE BEST SINGLE blog I have red on here. And all woman should read this, 100% But Men also.

    Brilliant Read..
    And one MEN AND WOMAN should read..

    Seriously frcking outrageously amazing read.

    1. Thank you for the compliment, Shaun.
      You’re right that not all men are w@nkers. I know this, and I knew it would take a long time for me to believe it and trust again, which is why, three years after leaving him and more than a year after the divorce was final, I still haven’t started dating again. I needed to be able to trust myself to be able to find a not-w@nker, and to be able to walk away before it was too late if I did.

      1. prayingforoneday · · Reply

        Melanie, you are such a sweet honest girl and when I read what you put down, I almost cried you know. No Woman should go through this. Sadly they do.
        I know one thing, and PLEASE believe me, you won’t go looking for him, but Mr Right will arrive and you will be happy in love. When this happens, let me know ok..
        I am ALWAYS here should you need an ear or a shoulder. I am thousands of miles away, but I am here

        Hugs x

        1. Thanks, Shaun, and I’m sorry I almost made you cry.
          If I do meet Mr Right, and if I don’t push him out of my life, I’ll be singing my happiness all over this blog. I have many doubts that there is one for me though, or that I would even let him in should he exist.

          1. prayingforoneday · · Reply

            I care….same as us all Mel..

            And when you meet Mr Right, you will just know. There will be no doubts. What you went through will tell you this, when it happens. As it will.
            I think our hearts do heal and our minds clear. It is Men like “Him” that put woman of good men.

            You will be in my thoughts till the day you find him x

  17. prayingforoneday · · Reply

    Reblogged this on Looking for reasoning to a complicated world and commented:
    Amazing read, Men and Woman should all read this…

  18. Reblogged this on An Open-Minded Journey and commented:
    So much of this woman’s description of her former husband fits the description of my former husband. He never used physical abuse, though. He used words and psychology in a war of attrition against my sanity and self.

  19. You do it, the thing most victims understandably do not… while many say don’t bother, she won’t listen… I find it beautiful that it may prevent even one persons pain and sorrow. I appreciate this work and God bless you for it 1Love!

    1. I do hope someone’s pain and sorrow is prevented, or at least lessened. It’s a horrible situation, to be in an abusive relationship, and it’s so hard to get out. May all who need it find the courage.

      1. Words to those that only get to watch and wonder…it takes her to make the right choice, once she gets strength to do it… it takes a village to bring that person home to herself. Support without judgment is so vital. God bless!

  20. […] The Letter I Wouldn’t Have Read Either – by Melanie […]

  21. Sadly, many of us can’t learn from the mistakes of others and need to learn from our own mistakes.

    1. It’s true. I was one of those. I had people tell me there was something off about Donkey, and I didn’t listen. I didn’t get that control was the gateway to abuse. I learned the hard way.

  22. Reblogged this on myownheart.me and commented:
    A must read for every woman!

  23. I have reblogged this must be read by e very woman, I personally spent 17yrs with an abuser and 2 years and 88 days ago my daughter was murdered by a man who claimed she was his life his one true love…he loved her so much he loved her to death.

    1. I am so sorry for your loss. I count my blessings that I got out alive. I consider myself one of the lucky ones.

  24. I wish someone had written me a letter like this. I would have listened in the early stages of things, before they got too deep. Before I let it consume me. Well written my friend. While you may not be able to save her, this letter, will save many.

    1. Oh thank you. I do hope it reaches someone who needs reaching.
      I think, looking back, I wouldn’t have understood if someone had shook me by the shoulders and told me this man is an abuser. People tried to warn me he was controlling, but controlling didn’t translate to abuse, not then at least.

      1. While I completely agree with you, I look back now, and think I wish I was aware of the warning signs. If we only knew eh…but, it’s made us stronger. This letter, will help others for sure. I’ve already shared it with a friend of mine who needs to see the warning signs, from someone other than me. So, yes, it’s helping already!

        1. Thank you for sharing it. I’m honored that you felt it was worthy. I hope it resonates with her and she gets the courage from your support to escape and find herself again.

          1. I’ll keep you posted as time goes on. I’ve been trying to help for her for 5 years now, so let’s hope my words combined with your words, give her the strength that she needs. I hope it does, because she’s got three kids, and when I emailed her, I mentioned her to check some specific posts of yours, where you mention how the kids are/were effected. So, it’s all you, thank you for sharing your story.

            1. I do hope it helps. Getting to the door in one thing, walking through it is another. It takes strength and support, and a good friend like you waiting on the other side with a hand and a hug.

  25. […] read a brave, beautifully written post over at Deliberate Donkey this weekend. It is a warning to her abuser’s new girlfriend aptly titled The Letter I […]

  26. Yes, this should have been written, even if the person you’re writing it for will not read it anytime soon, and won’t take it seriously if she does. Chances are, she would take it seriously only when she’d be writing the same letter.

    1. Chances are, you are right.

  27. Chilling and concerning and brave. Brilliantly written, honest and terrifying.

    1. Thank you for the compliment. Thank you too for taking the time to read and comment.

      1. Thank you for taking the time and being brave enough to share your experience. You may not be able to help that particular person but no doubt you’ve helped someone – either by making them wake up to their situation or taking comfort in the fact they aren’t alone… somehow I’m SURE this has helped someone.

        1. If nothing else, it has helped some of us come together to talk about our experiences and know we are not alone. If someone recognizes their own, current, situation and is able to draw strength and get out, then I am honored my words have done some good in this world.

  28. This is a really powerful piece of writing. What’s even more frightening than what you suffered is the scores of readers who have gone through similar experiences. My heart goes out to you all. Keep writing. Keep exorcising the demons. Believe in karma. Believe in fate. Bet on retribution. Bet on life coming full circle. But most of all, be proud. Not for surviving, but for realizing how much you are worth.

    1. Thank you!
      It is frightening. I described my ex and so many others have commented that it is a description of theirs as well. It’s so sad that there are so many of us.
      I will keep writing. It’s been my saving grace. Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to comment. I do appreciate your words.

  29. Extremely, powerfully well-written. Even not sent, it felt good to put it down on paper, didn’t it? Ridding our souls of our demons begins with acknowledging them in the first place. Strength, courage, moxie – bravo.

    1. Thank you. It did feel good. Every time I rid my memory of a past pain from my marriage, I feel that much better. Every word released is a weight lifted.
      Thank you for reading, and for taking the time to comment.

      1. I hope you realize that your willingness to drag this out into the light helps many others. The power of emotion you convey here is witnessed in the re-blogging – people want to share your story and your strength, telling others that they’re not the only one. I’m glad your writing is healing, as I suspect it is for many readers.

        1. I do realize, now. When I started writing, I didn’t know what an affect telling my story would have. It’s been good for me and for others. I have found some very supportive people here, and have been able to return that.
          The response to this piece has been wonderful. I’m honored at the number of likes, comments, and reblogs.

  30. […] two months, since the first post that officially kicked off this project, I have written 8 posts: a letter, essays on Facebook and violence against women, a Fathers Day memory, a moment of personal growth, […]

  31. […] what time the kids and I have together, he hasn’t gotten away with closing this blog, and a woman’s life was saved. In 2013, I was Freshly Pressed three times, wrote six guest posts for five great […]

  32. Melanie,

    I adore your honesty, and writing this letter has struck a nerve. I am not sure how far back the battered women in his history extend, but I am far from Kevin’s first and I am saddened to know that I won’t be his last. His sister warned me…. well after the abuse already started. It was then that I found out about the one he put in the hospital, the one whose house he unlocked and let his addict and dealer friends in to steal her belongings as she drove hundreds of miles into another state seeking protection from him with her family, the dozens of times the mother of his children had him arrested but could never bring herself to face him in court… and countless more. I was the first in the line of us, even though I did not have him arrested.. I was the first to show up in court and follow through with the petition for the stay away order.

    But as my order comes closer to expiration on January 10th (and according to the state of new York, I have to wait for him to do something before I can file for a new one), I understand why I could not push myself to press charges, and I understand why they could not face their fears and show up at court or many of them not even report it. He stacks things in his favor by getting friends in the right places, and we all end up thrown to the wolves. Maybe it is a different way for each of us, but we all get abused by the system all over again.

    I wish someone warned me. I wish someone intervened. I would have read this letter.

    1. No one warned me. His sister still defends him as simply being a “Latin male”, but she’s just as trapped and just as afraid of him as I used to be.
      The woman this letter was written to was actually given a copy of this letter. Someone who reads this blog knows her or knows someone who knows her or something, but however it happened, she read it and she left him. They had gotten engaged by that time, but she was strong enough to walk away. I do believe it saved her life.

speak loudly, donkeys are sleeping

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