She got flowers

She Got Flowers

She got flowers!
It wasn’t her birthday, or any other special day.
They had their first fight, and he said many cruel things that really hurt her.
She knows that he is sorry, and that he will not say those things again, because he sent her flowers to forgive.

She got flowers!
It was not for their anniversary, or any other special day.
Last night, he pushed her against a wall and started to choke her.
When she woke the next morning her body was painful and bruised.
She knows that he must be sorry, because he sent her flowers to forgive.

She got flowers!
And this was not mother’s day, or any other special day.
Once again, he has beaten her; it was much more violent than the other times.
If she leaves, what will she do?
How will she care for her children?
And financial problems?
She is afraid of him, but she is scared to go.
And she knows that he must be sorry because, as usual, he sent her flowers to forgive.

She got flowers!
She has received piles of bouquets of flowers from all those who knew her and who loved her.
It is her funeral.
Last night, he finally killed her. He beat her to death.
If only she had found enough courage to leave,
She would have not received so many flowers today!

It demonstrates the escalation of abuse very well – from cruel words, to pushing and choking, to beating, to murder. It shows the abusers actions to feign remorse: flowers, consistently with the flowers.

The Cycle of Abuse

Abuse does not end. It is estimated that only 1% of abusers are able to recognize their behavior and work towards bettering themselves. Abuse doesn’t go away, it escalates. It may appear that the abusive behaviors are gone, but that is only the honeymoon period, the period of normal behavior.

The abuser will behave as a normal human being and the victim will engage in the fantasy that the abuse is over. Then something, anything, happens – the wrong ice cream is purchased at the store – and the abuser becomes angry at the victim, and then lashes out. Abuse commences and could be the abuser calling the victim stupid or punching her until she promises never to make the same mistake again. The abuser then feigns guilt, though it’s not guilt for the behavior, it is the fear of being exposed as an abuser. He will make excuses for his behavior, often blaming the victim for provoking, and deserving, the attack. Abusers will apologize, he may even buy her flowers, but there is no remorse. The cycles repeats, and every time it repeats, the abuse escalates.

Types of Abuse

Not every victim of domestic violence will be physically abused.

Abuse takes many forms: emotional, psychological, sexual, financial, and physical. Each are equal. Equal.

The put downs are abuse. The isolation is abuse. The forced sexual encounters are abuse. The restricted spending is abuse. The pushing, choking, punching, is abuse. It’s all abuse, and it’s all wrong and illegal. Dominating another human being, controlling another person’s thoughts and actions, is abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical to be abuse. It doesn’t have to be physical for the fear to be there.

I Got Flowers Once

I, for one, hate receiving flowers from a man. I see them as work put on me without request or permission. I see them as an apology for a wrong not yet discovered. I don’t see them as thoughtful or romantic. I want my flowers thriving in the dirt, rain, and sunshine. I see cut flowers as a symbol of the abuse I suffered – cut from their natural environment, made to live in a restricted space, and forced to please another.

Donkey only ever bought me flowers once, and that was when I returned to Florida after having been gone for a month. In that month the plan for my escape came together. When I returned to have surgery, a surgery I needed and couldn’t physically afford to put off for another month or two, he had flowers waiting for me. I did not acknowledge the flowers. I did not water the flowers. I let the flowers die. I did not dispose of the corpses, and let them sit in the vase and rot until the day he finally threw them in the trash.

Donkey didn’t buy me flowers after beating me. He couldn’t be bothered. His words should have been sufficient enough, but I’m sorry never carried as much weight as you’re ugly, you’re stupid, you’re worthless, you’re a bad mother, you don’t deserve nice things, you shouldn’t be allowed to make decisions…

It wasn’t courage that got me out. I had none of that. I did have the support of my family. I did have a bed in a domestic violence shelter waiting for me and my children. Courage had nothing to do with my escape. Fear for my life did. It was fear that motivated me out of that house.

Tags: abuse, domestic violence, domestic violence awareness, emotional abuse, financial abuse, men hit women, sexual abuse, victim blaming, violence against women